


A Tale of Four Thieves

by merryghoul



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Game Shows, Hostage Situations, Kidnapping, Post-Episode: s09e10 Face The Raven, Prison, Robbery, The Knightmare, University
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-20
Updated: 2016-08-20
Packaged: 2018-08-09 19:10:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7813732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/merryghoul/pseuds/merryghoul
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To impress the Doctor, River looks for, and finds, the lost Crown Jewels of England.  To save some of Earth's notable historical figures, River needs the Doctor's help...and the help of the woman she stole the Crown Jewels of England from.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Crown Jewels of John, King of England

**Author's Note:**

> With thanks to P (again!) for betaing.

All River wanted was a quiet, normal date with the Doctor for once. She didn't realize this date would get her in trouble with an immortal woman and later a robot, all because River wanted to impress the Doctor.

She asked the Doctor to take her to the Planet of the Coffee Shops for scones and coffee. In the back of the most crowded coffee shop on the Planet of the Coffee Shops, the Doctor watched her cut open a scone and put jam on both pieces. "You sure you don't want to go to Fiesta 95?"

"No, sweetie."

"Lokono? Florana? Arda?"

"No." She took a sip of coffee. "We should recharge our batteries. We can get in a bit of trouble on our next date." She winked.

River received a text on her mobile phone. The Doctor heard the noise as River was pulling out her phone. "Since when do you carry a mobile phone around?"

"For business, sweetie. I don't take it all the time." River paused, reading the text. "I've been invited to find something lost for a client. Some legendary treasure. Something that hasn't been found before." 

"They want you to find something lost."

"Yes, sweetie."

"Do you know what you're looking for?"

"No. You have any suggestions?" 

"How about the Lost Brooch of the First Valley?"

"It's impossible to get to."

"The diamonds from the Kahotaku diamond robbery?"

"Everyone wants the diamonds from the Kahotaku diamond robbery. Oh!" River texted a reply to her text message.

"What did you text your client, River?"

"I'm going to find the Crown Jewels."

"River, I don't doubt that you can sneak in and out of the Jewel Room—"

"Doctor, you make me sound like I'm a villain in a television show. Not the Crown Jewels in the Tower of London. The Crown Jewels of England, the ones that belonged to John, King of England. He lost those in the Wash before he died, remember?" 

"Oh, those Crown Jewels. Those really are lost. Are you sure you can find them, River?"

"I'm getting us tickets for the opening night of the exhibit they'll be in." River sipped her coffee, took a bite out of her scone, and smirked at the Doctor. 

 

River was close to getting the lost Crown Jewels of England. She had seen with her own eyes John's entourage losing the jewels, enclosed in a chest with several gold coins, in the Wash back in 1216. The water rose around the wagons carrying the Crown Jewels, breaking the wagons apart while knocking the Crown Jewels into the water. River also thought she saw a person with a white coif, red leggings, and a red tunic get swept into the water with the wagon. Everyone else in John's entourage, even his horses, were, on the other hand, safe. River assumed the person drowned and was a little-known casualty of John's entourage. 

John and his men retreated to drier land around the Wash. They hung around for a few moments to look for the wagon with the Crown Jewels on it. Eventually they left the Wash when they concluded there was no way for them to save the Crown Jewels. They also had to leave because John was near death. Spending hours looking for John's Crown Jewels in the Wash wasn't a good place for John to be at in this moment of time.

With John and his entourage heading towards a place where John could rest, the coast was clear for River to recover the Crown Jewels. Her plan was to swim and dive under the waters of the Wash to snatch the Crown Jewels and return them to Luna University. River knew the current in the Wash at that moment was strong, but she could handle it. But before River could even swim out to get the Crown Jewels, she noticed a head, covered in a white coif, peeking out of the water. The person with a coif on their head quickly pulled the chest out of the water without any struggle. As the person with the coif came out of the water, River realized it was the same person that she thought drowned in the Wash earlier. River thought this person was a boy. She was stunned. River didn't expect the boy to survive swimming in the water, let alone be strong enough to lift the Crown Jewels.

River had to change strategies. Instead of swimming towards the Crown Jewels, she'd have to stop this boy from taking the chest. River put her vortex manipulator on. She hid it in a bag she was carrying that had what she needed to aid her in taking the Crown Jewels. She took it off because she thought she'd be swimming towards the Crown Jewels. Her fight now was to grab the Crown Jewels before the boy could do something with them.

The boy put the Crown Jewels in an ox-drawn wagon hidden on the opposite side of where John and his men left the Wash. The boy covered the chest up with cloth and hay before saddling up on the ox and leaving the Wash quickly. 

River estimated the coordinates the Crown Jewels were travelling on and typed them into her vortex manipulator. She landed on the wagon. As soon as her hands were around the handles of the chest that contained the Crown Jewels, the boy stopped the wagon. The boy jumped off the ox and climbed into the wagon.

That was when River realized the boy was not a boy at all. It was a woman disguised as a boy. And when River looked at the woman's green eyes, she somehow knew this woman was much older than she was, despite still looking as if she was a young woman.

The woman was also quite strong for her height. River estimated the woman was twenty or so centimetres shorter than she was. Yet the woman was capably wrestling River off the Crown Jewels. River, being River, thought she could fight off the woman.

The two of them thrashed back and forth in the wagon. To River's surprise, the woman grabbed River and threw her off the wagon, stunning River in the process. She quickly hopped back on the oxen. By the time River recovered from her daze, the woman, the wagon, the Crown Jewels, and her ox were gone. 

As River got up from where the woman dumped her on the ground, she knew she had to go back to her books at Luna University until John's Crown Jewels made a reappearance in historical legend. 

 

One of River's books said the Crown Jewels were rumoured to be in the possession of a woman who was named Lady Me. No one questioned her odd name and why the woman had chosen the name of "Lady Me" to go by. She was Lady Me and she lived in a house around the London area in the 1650s with a manservant named Clayton. That was all River could find in her book that mentioned Lady Me. And, much to River's frustration, she couldn't find anything else about this Lady Me or her manservant Clayton. 

River ventured to London in the 1650s. She asked around close to where she believed Lady Me lived, claiming she was an estranged friend coming to visit her. River's plan was to go to Lady Me's home at night. River would break in and hopefully find the Crown Jewels. 

River couldn't even reach any of the doors of Lady Me's property. A figure wearing a black feathered tricorn hat, a brown coat, a brownish waistcoat, a white cravat, and black riding boots charged towards her. The figure pulled out a single-shot pistol from a belt around their waist with their right hand. A domino mask covered their face.

"Who the hell are you?" River asked the figure.

"I am the Knightmare, London's fastest and deadliest highwayman." The Knightmare had a male voice. 

River noticed the Knightmare was shorter than average for a human male. But the Knightmare would be at a normal height for a human female. River also noticed the Knightmare's eyes seemed familiar, as if they belonged to the woman who fought River in her wagon over the Crown Jewels at the Wash. These eyes were still green, but these eyes seemed to belong to someone older, someone who had had lived centuries. 

River refused to be intimidated by what she believed was a very old, yet ageless, woman. "Nightmare? You don't look the least bit frightening."

" _Knightmare,_ with a K."

"I'm still confused. You don't look like a knight or a mare."

The Knightmare walked forward with the pistol aimed directly at River's head. "Lady Me is my target tonight. You will step off the premises or I shall blow your brains out." 

"I thought you said you were a highwayman. You sound like you're a common thief."

"I am a highwayman. I just happened to follow Lady Me's carriage back to her home this evening." 

"What if Lady Me finds you? What if she learns about your real identity? She might be strong enough to fight you off." 

"She will not find me or fight me."

 _I'm willing to bet Lady Me_ is _you,_ River thought.

"What if I tried to fight you?" River said to the Knightmare.

"Go ahead and try."

River charged towards the Knightmare. The Knightmare shot her pistol at River. River knew she was no match for a bullet, no matter what time period she was in. She was able to type in her coordinates on her vortex manipulator fast enough to avoid the bullet going through her head. 

River materialized in a bush near Lady Me's home. She saw the Knightmare walk into Lady Me's home, not as if she was breaking into it to steal something, but as she lived in the home. River believed the Knightmare going into Lady Me's home confirmed her suspicions that the Knightmare and Lady Me were the same person. River groaned. River knew trying to get the Crown Jewels from Lady Me would be impossible to do, not if Lady Me was going to attempt to kill her before she could even place a foot on her property. River teleported from 1651 London and returned to Luna University, hoping for another occurrence of the Crown Jewels but in a later period of time, preferably without this Lady Me. 

 

When the Doctor felt comfortable around River, he gave her a key to the TARDIS. The good thing about TARDIS keys is that no matter how much the TARDIS changes, the keys will always work for the lock on the TARDIS door. River needed the TARDIS to transport a few items. Then she'd pick up Amy and Rory for a quick family trip before putting the TARDIS back where she stole it. She tracked this TARDIS down in on a street in London, 2016, beside a comic book shop.

Once she was inside this particular TARDIS, one she did not realize belonged to the Doctor after her Doctor, she set its coordinates to the planet she needed to load the things she needed to in. As the TARDIS materialized away, River looked around the console room. She liked that this version of the TARDIS had roundels. River walked over to one of the roundels and opened it. She had heard of roundels being able to store things. The Rani had a TARDIS where she stored various chemicals, bodily fluids, and even decapitated heads in the roundels. River was also going to use these roundels, but for things she wanted to stash in the TARDIS during her travels with it, and not ghastly things like bodily fluids and decapitated heads. Another thing that pleased River is that this Doctor's TARDIS' roundels were translucent. Light could pass through the roundels, but it was hard to see what was behind them. 

When the TARDIS was in the time vortex, River decided to walk around until the TARDIS arrived at the destination she set the TARDIS' coordinates to. River passed a door with a sign that read "NO COMPANION ALLOWED" on it. River could recognize the Doctor's handwriting even if she wasn't in the TARDIS she usually met the Doctor in. River wasn't the Doctor, and she wasn't the companion the Doctor was travelling with. She opened the door. 

Inside was a room that looked like the Doctor was investigating a crime. A few paintings of a woman hung on this room's walls. A cork board had several pictures and writings about this woman. River knew immediately this was the woman who had fought her in the wagon. The same woman was also the woman who put on a male voice, proclaimed herself the "Knightmare," and chased River off of Lady Me's property.

The woman, as she could tell, was born Ashildr, a woman so legendary that murals were painted about her years after her birth. The Doctor had a picture of a mural depicting Ashildr being swallowed by some sort of dragon in the Drum underwater mining facility pinned to the cork board. In addition to the painting of Ashildr found in the Drum, the Doctor collected various other items about Ashildr. There were written accounts, wanted posters and drawings about Ashildr in the room. Over time, as River learned, the woman had changed her name. She was Ash El Dir when she somehow ended up in what is now known as modern-day Iraq, and she was Alys when she found herself in the South of France and then in England, around the time of the Black Plague. She called herself some form of Ashildr up until around the 1600s, when she started calling herself Me, aside from her stint as the highwayman the Knightmare. There was Lady Me, Dame Me, Nurse Me, and various other Mes that appeared in the Doctor's records of her. By sometime in the mid-1800s, all records of Me stopped.

River couldn't figure out how this woman had lived several decades on Earth. There was nothing about her that would suggest she was a Time Lord of some sort. And there was nothing that suggested that Me was an Immortal, an immortal person, or some type of long-lived being. Whatever Me was, she certainly had a terrible memory if she didn't remember River from the Wash. Even Jack Harkness had a better memory than the woman who eventually would call herself Me.

Because of the lack of records of Me after the 1800s, River concluded Me eventually died around that time. "I bet she died hugging the Crown Jewels with her last breath," River said, not realizing Me was still alive.

 

It was a chance sighting at Waterloo Station in London, sometime in 2015, that would lead River to Me's current whereabouts.

River was in London to interview for a visiting professor job at University College, hoping to track down the whereabouts of the Crown Jewels, and maybe Me's corpse, in that time. She saw a Blowfish awkwardly passing through the rest of the humans in Waterloo Station. River followed the Blowfish until it disappeared. River had a feeling there was a hidden street she couldn't see, as if there was something hiding it from others, even the Doctor. Otherwise the Doctor would've been here already. He would've already told her about it.

Voices coming from the street confirmed River's suspicions.

"Name, species, and case for asylum," a voice said.

"Banx, Blowfish, Torchwood." 

River heard another voice: "I thought Torchwood had ceased operations." The voice somewhat sounded like the Knightmare's voice, except not disguised as a man's voice.

"They're back," Banx said. "Not here. They wouldn't dare come back here. They're back in Cardiff." 

"You'll be safe here. The Torchwoods that did exist never knew about me, and I doubt the one in Cardiff will ever find me. I am Mayor Me. You may call me Madam Mayor. Let me find you a room." 

It made sense to River. Instead of dying, Me went into hiding. Me created an asylum for alien species and hid it from plain sight from humans. And River knew exactly what she needed to do to infiltrate the street.

The next day, River decided not to show up at University College. She hid her vortex manipulator under a baggy shirt and ran into the hidden street. She was stopped by what appeared to be a police officer. But River could see through the circuit that obscured the street to the rest of London. She knew she was stopped by a Judoon. 

"Name, species, and case for asylum," the Judoon said.

River also knew the best way to sneak onto Me's street: be honest. "Melody Pond, Demons Run, Madame Korvorian and her group of Silent associates." River wasn't worried about the Judoon remembering those details. She brought her mnemosine recall-wipe vapour with her. As soon as she was clear, she'd make that Judoon forget who she was with one spray. 

 

To get into the street, River said she was Melody Pond. But when River met Me later, she introduced herself as River Song, taking advantage of Me's limited memory. River thought it was best that if you're about to steal from someone you're going to befriend, you may as well use the name you want your victim to remember you by. River did notice Me's eyes. Of course they were still green. But they were older, almost as old as the Doctor's eyes, if not much older. 

River noticed Me now wore her hair in a couple of rolls, exposing Me's various piercings in her ears. Me had also gotten her right nostril pierced since the last time River bumped into her. There was also a curly black tattoo on Me's chest and neck. River didn't think too much about Me's body modifications. They were popular during this period in time. 

Me set River up in her own residence on the street. River would break things in her residence, just enough to not have Me suspect she was committing sabotage. River would adjust a chair until it looked like it broke from constant use. She moved a shelf just enough to cause it to fall to the ground and shatter. River kept breaking things in her residence until Me decided River's residence was unsafe for her to live in. Me then invited River into Me's own home, the invitation River was waiting for. River accepted the invitation, of course. 

River befriended Me. She asked questions about Me's life, but she didn't probe Me for information Me was reluctant to give her. Most of the time, though, Me would direct River to go to her library filled with journals she had written over the years, as Me couldn't recall most of what had happened to her during her life.

River read up about Me, starting from her time at her Viking village when she was known as Ashildr, an outcast puppeteer who was clever enough to teach herself how to read, write, and even draw. River was curious and horrified that the Doctor, of all people, would condemn Me to a long life, but then River reasoned he may have had a reason behind his motives. There was a line about Me keeping an eye out on the Doctor to protect against his collateral damage, but other than that, she wasn't clear on why the Doctor kept her alive, at least in Me's words. 

The more of Me's journals River read, the more River learned how ruthless Me could be. As the times changed, Me often manipulated men or passed off as one to learn to read and write new languages in the areas she was living in at the time. She spent countless hours perfecting her abilities so that she couldn't be detected or destroyed, even though the modified Mire repair kit repaired all her injuries. Me even claimed to be as strong as ten men despite not looking like she could potentially lift hundreds of pounds. River believed Me's claim about being as strong as ten men. How else would Me have thrown River off of her wagon in the Wash? 

As River went through some of Me's tear-stained entries, River learned that Me felt pain from time to time. By the time River was done reading some of Me's diaries, she had a sense of how Me operated. And still River was confident enough that she could beat her in any and every way possible. 

As River was concurrently learning about Me, River looked around Me's residence as Me was tending to other matters on the street. Eventually River found the location of the chest that had the Crown Jewels in it, and it was right under River's nose all the time. The Crown Jewels were hidden behind a trap door behind some of Me's journals. River removed the journals blocking the trap door and pulled out the chest. River opened the chest. All of everything that was said to be with John's Crown Jewels were there—the crown, the sword, two goblets, the plate, all the gold coins. All River needed was the perfect opportunity to steal the Crown Jewels from Me.

Soon after River found out about the Crown Jewels, River also learned that Me aligned herself with a Quantum Shade. While plotting the right time to steal the Crown Jewels from Me, River heard a raven call. She ran to Me's window on the street and saw the raven pass through one of the residents on the street. The resident fell to its knees and died. The raven evaporated and returned to Me's body in its curly form. Me shook as the tattoo reappeared on her chest. The rest of the residents on the street were still, watching Me with fear. 

Me said nothing and returned to her residence. River hoped Me's piercings didn't posses entities like the Quantum Shade.

Me told River about the Quantum Shade, but this was the first time River saw it in action. Earlier, Me told River about the deal she had made with the Time Lords to trap the Doctor into his own confession dial. She also told River about how she set up a man who called himself Rigsy for a faked murder. Me had observed Rigsy when he moved to Central London and knew he was an associate of the Doctor's and Clara's. (River thought this Doctor was her Doctor, not the Doctor that would eventually come after her Doctor.) Me knew Rigsy would be the perfect bait to lure the Doctor and Clara to her street. She faked a murder and framed Rigsy for it. She didn't expect Clara breaking her deal with the Time Lords, causing the Quantum Shade to kill Clara. "It devastated me at the time," Me said to River after telling her about Clara's death. "She didn't want to die at that moment, but she accepted it."

"Do you miss her?" River asked Me.

"Yes. But I've accepted I'll never see her again."

River interpreted from Me's remarks that Me did care for Clara, even though it had been centuries since the two of them defended her Viking village from "Odin" and the Mire.

"I'll forget about her some day, just like everyone I've ever known," Me continued. "Just like you someday. And when I forget about Clara, the memories of her won't hurt me any more." 

 

River sneaked out of bed in the middle of the night, thinking Me was asleep. She went to the place where Me hid her Crown Jewels. River opened the door carefully, not making a sound. She gently removed the chest the Crown Jewels were in and set them on the floor. 

River thought she was in the clear until she heard a raven's call. River looked up. Me was hovering over her, the Quantum Shade in the form of a raven on her right shoulder. River then looked at her left wrist. What appeared to be a tattoo reading "005" in Old English font was now on said wrist. River knew immediately she had been branded with a chronolock.

"I'd say technically you're an intruder," Me said. "I should force you to take Retcon and let you have about a month to live. I've sped up your sentence because I know you've been trying to steal from me."

"I know you're trying to kill me with the Quantum Shade."

"We have rules here, River. Rules that keep us safe. The community is on edge because of how I condemned an innocent man to death and killed an innocent woman instead, all to trap the Doctor." 

"If you cared for her you would've done more than offer her your worthless protection." 

"The Doctor made me offer it to her. And she broke the terms of my deal. There was nothing I could do, River. If I could've done something I would've saved her."

"I know, but my point stands. If you cared for Clara you would've done more than offer her your worthless protection." 

"Nothing you could say can hurt me."

"I remember reading your claim that you needed ten thousand hours to master one skill, and over one hundred thousand to be the best."

"Yes."

The Quantum Shade let out a cry.

"You may have needed over one hundred thousand hours to master the art of theft. But I only needed a few years to fill whole rooms of stolen items, and I've only gotten better at stealing in time. That's why I became an archaeologist. You and your pets are all going to have to catch me first." 

River grabbed the chest and ran out of Me's residence, just as the chronolock flickered to read "000." The Quantum Shade and Me followed her.

Residents could sense the Quantum Shade coming after River. Some watched from their residences while others went out to the road to see the spectacle. The Judoon that guarded Me's street blocked her path, but River was able to plough through both to get off the hidden street and get back into London proper. 

Free of the Lurkworms that had inadvertently disabled River's vortex manipulator while she was living with Me, Me teleported away from Me's hidden street. The Quantum Shade nearly caught her as she was fleeing Earth with Me's Crown Jewels. The Quantum Shade was too late to reach River before she disappeared. 

The Quantum Shade was about to follow River to her next destination when it stopped. Me ran to the Quantum Shade. She reached out her hand, as if to grab something. She was removing River's chronolock from her wrist. "The deal is off. You're not killing River Song. Yet. When she comes back I will send you after her. But for now, I need you here with me."

Me straightened her body. The Quantum Shade returned to Me's body in tattoo form. Me shook as the Quantum Shade's energy returned to her body. 

"I hate that I was right all along about Clara," Me said to herself. "If only that one time I was wrong."


	2. Letztgold

Before its civil war, Talerwelt was a planet known for its green valleys and plains and lush vegetation, but only in its wealthier parts of the planet. The areas where the poorer citizens of Talerwelt lived instead saw drought, arid climates, barren lands, and hardly any water to plant anything. There were barely enough creatures for poor Talerweltians to eat.

Letztgold was part of a group of Golwatch robots. The Golwatch, as opposed to Talerwelt's poor, only saw opulence and glory. The Golwatch resided in the palace of the King of Talerwelt. They tutored the children of Talerweltian royals and their servants. The Golwatch were programmed to teach. They were not programmed to do anything else. 

Letztgold looked like, at a distance to someone from Earth versed in the various types of medieval armour, a German knight from the 1300s. His body was made out of gold metal from tip to toe. His head was bullet-shaped. Sockets were sunken into the metal of the head, to make it seem as if Letztgold had eyes. He didn't, but his makers gave red sensors that functioned like eyes. There were downsides to the sensors. Letztgold could only make sense of one person at a time. When he "saw" groups of people, he knew they were there, but he had no idea how to interact with them. Letztgold also had a metal slit to allow him to "speak" things to other people. 

Letztgold's neck and shoulders were one piece of metal, making it look like his neck was rounded. His shoulders were made out of two metal pieces that looked like solid gold versions of the carapaces of tortoise shells, and both were hidden under his neck piece. Hidden pivot hinges were attached to his otherwise smooth-looking arms and legs to allow his body to move somewhat like a human's body. His hands resembled metal versions of falconry gloves. His feet were pointed and looked like thicker versions of leaves. His torso was one piece, flaring out over his legs and hiding the awkward parts that would make Letztgold look like he had a human crotch. The rest of the Golwatch robots looked like Letztgold. Letztgold could recognize himself because he was the only member of the Golwatch who had red "eyes." The other members of the Golwatch could recognize themselves by the colour of their "eyes." 

The poor of Talerwelt decided to declare war on the rich. They took their farming tools and attacked the people in the wealthier parts. Local dukes and marquesses were overthrown and their palaces ransacked and destroyed. The King had a similar fate. 

Letztgold could not feel fear. But Letzgold knew he was in trouble when he saw the blue lights, what his memory interpreted as “eyes,” go out in one of the Golwatch robots. A Talerweltian tackled the Golwatch with blue lights. Another bashed the Golwatch's head in with a shovel-like device. The Golwatch robots were equipped with a security device that allowed them to stun a person that was threatening to shut them down. They could fire up a charge and stun their potential attacker. Because of their limited fields of vision, it was impossible for them to defend themselves from a mob of attackers. If Letztgold didn't leave the King's palace, he would have ended up just like the Golwatch with the blue "eyes." Letztgold ran as fast as he could out of the palace, managing to evade the Talerweltians after him.

Letztgold's advantage over the Talerweltians was he didn't need anything but oil. He was nowhere near any oil as he ran, but he could keep running whereas the Talerweltians after him had to stop and catch their breaths and handle their sore muscles. He was able to evade the sights of the Talerweltians on his trail.

Letztgold knew he was heading towards the Untental Gaol, the most isolated prison on Talerwelt. The Gaol was situated in the middle of a valley which was once lush and green. The flora around it was rapidly dying, turning into brown grass and big patches of dirt. The sides of the valley looked more like grey mountains than rolling hills. The ground was littered with remnants of the civil war that was still going on. The Gaol stood out in the middle of the dying lands there. All of the Gaol on the outside was made up of smoothed-out tan bricks, weathered by sun, rains, and all sorts of weather. The Gaol also had clerestory roofs topped with slate-like tile, allowing natural light to get into the building.

The Gaol was formerly a home for those who had committed serious crimes such as murder as well as political dissidents. The Gaol was emptied during the civil war so its prisoners could fight on behalf of the King and the rest of the royals that served him. The prisoners as well as their jailers and their warden never knew they'd never see this Gaol again. 

Letztgold reached the warden's house at Untental Gaol, connected to the rest of Untental Gaol by a hallway. The warden didn't lock the door of his house in a hurry to get the prisoners to the civil war. Letztgold pushed the warden's house door and shut in as fast as he could, locking it. And then he waited. 

 

Letztgold knew the civil war was over when he didn't sense any noise outside the Gaol. No voices yelling, no sounds of weaponry clashing, no sounds of weapons going in and hitting on things. The first time he left the warden's house was the first time he decided to check on the state of the planet. Letztgold had no sense of time, but it had been five years since the civil war started. The devastation was great. The King's Palace as well as the other palaces of Talerwelt were ruins. Some palaces were destroyed by fire while others were destroyed by force, but pieces of walls and floors now stood where towering palaces once were. Windows were knocked out. Things were looted from the palaces. 

Death was everywhere. If the flora and fauna on Talerwelt wasn't already dead, it was on its way to dying. Several people were dead. Letztgold knew this because he bypassed several graves, made by and cared for by Talerwelt's poor. And the poor only did this not because they wanted to revere the dead, but because they were afraid the dead bodies could harbour diseases. 

The poor could grow some edible plants. Decorative plants and things like grass were out of the question, because the poor were more interested in eating, not looking at plants while avoiding imminent death. They could also hunt, but there were few healthy animals on the planet. The poor cooked the flesh of animals that died of starvation and thirst, as unfortunately they were more abundant on Talerwelt than living animals.

Letztgold could not sympathize with the Talerweltan poor. He was devoid of human emotions. He lacked sympathy. But he knew seeing people walking around burying strangers and scrounging for food was not befitting of the people of Talerwelt. Letztgold went back to the Gaol to figure out what his next step would be. 

His answer would be right in front of him in the warden's house.

The warden kept a computer in his house. When the warden was living in the house, he worked and did leisure-related things on his computer. It had not been turned on in ages. Out of curiosity, Letztgold turned the computer on for the first time in years.

The warden had the equivalent of the internet on Earth on his computer, along with software that allowed him to track down and obsessively keep tabs on his inmates. The computer, along with a stove to heat things in and a refrigerator to heat things on, were the only modern conveniences the warden had in his office. 

At the computer, Letztgold did searches on planets similar to Talerwelt. His research lead him to learn about Earth. After that, he processed information in his systems about some of Earth's most notable people. His data systems concluded that all these people were to be gathered for a symposium on what to do about the state of Talerwelt. Letztgold didn't know how to get Earthlings to Talerwelt until he processed information about vortex manipulators. A search on the warden's computer revealed that the warden had a vortex manipulator he used to monitor prisoners every so often. There were other officers in the Gaol at the time; the warden didn't need technology to monitor his prisoners. The warden left behind his vortex manipulator in his house, probably expecting to see it again. The warden left detailed instructions on where his vortex manipulator was and how to turn it on. Letztgold found the vortex manipulator in the warden's drawer. He was able to turn it on by downloading the warden's instructions for the vortex manipulator in his systems. 

Letztgold knew the cells in the Gaol were empty. He didn't realize the Gaol was built to make the prisoners uncomfortable. The beds were literally slabs of smoothed out brick with a pillow on it. The rooms were small, made even smaller by the wooden desks and metal toilets in the cell. The smells of the cells were unpleasant, too—the toilets had not been maintained ever since the last maintenance check before the Gaol was abandoned for the civil war. Stale toilet water and rust filled the rooms. The only saving grace was the windows cut in the wooden doors, which let in some ventilation. But Letztgold had no sense of touch or smell. He thought these cells would make pleasant guest rooms for his symposium. 

Letztgold wanted to keep an eye on what he considered his guests, but knew his abilities were limited in the art of surveillance. He liked the idea of security cameras to monitor his guests in case they left; that way, he could return them to their cells if they left them. Letztgold decided to try out his vortex manipulator on a trip to Earth to get security cameras. The vortex manipulator still worked, to his surprise. He ended up stealing security cameras from various cities all over the world—Cape Town, Berlin, Los Angeles, London—because he didn't have any form of currency, and he had no concept of what currency was and how to use it. He downloaded instructions on how to install and turn on the security cameras for the halls of the Gaol.

Once the security cameras were set up, Letztgold went back to earth and stole flat-screen televisions to hook up to the cameras until he had a setup along one wall that consisted of cameras and the computer.

When Letztgold was satisfied with his setup, he put together a database of people he thought were notable from his past research. He believed this database contained a list of "guests." And since they were guests, he did not need to invite them. Letztgold didn't realize he was about to embark on a potentially time-corrupting kidnapping scheme. Letztgold downloaded knowledge. He didn't use that knowledge to critically process the knowledge he had learned.

Letztgold's first target was Boudica, the queen of the Iceni who attempted to lead a revolt against the Romans ruling the areas where ancient Briton Celts lived. He found her as she was heading towards the next city she was going to raze. 

Letztgold wasn't subtle when he snatched Boudica. He assumed that because she was a warrior, she wouldn't mind Letztgold sneaking up behind her and teleporting her off of Earth and onto Talerwelt. She did mind. She thrashed inside of Letztgold's robot arms as Letztgold grabbed her tight. White light surrounded them as Letztgold transported Boudica and himself to Talerwelt. A loud, slow noise, something like a prolonged zap, came from Letztgold's vortex manipulator as they were leaving Roman-controlled Britain. The vortex manipulator was so old, Letztgold couldn't mask its age with the sound it made. 

Time froze around Letztgold and Boudica as they left Earth. Quantum detritus, the yellow residue that is left when something is taken out of time, formed as Letztgold took Boudica out of his time stream. 

Unaware of how unsanitary and uncomfortable the abandoned cells were, Letztgold was offended when Boudica complained about her lodgings. There was light in the cells provided by the clerestory roof above each cell. There was water in the cells, and Letztgold was going to give her food later. He thought Boudica was being selfish when she wanted out of her horrid conditions.

One by one Letztgold took several prominent people out of history. Albert Einstein. Jane Austen. Winston Churchill. Cleopatra. When he couldn't directly poach his targets, he started dressing appropriately for his time period. Because Letztgold didn't have a chameleon device of any kind, he still looked like a robot in period clothing. But he was able to communicate with the prominent people and gain their trust. A lot of them were aware of people from beyond the stars. Einstein never told Letztgold this, but he'd met the Doctor before. Churchill met the Doctor several times, and Cleopatra married the Doctor once. Jane Austen was used to visits by the Doctor and Clara Oswald. All these people had pleasant interactions with the people and creatures that came from space to interact with them. It was enough to lure them all into the trap Letztgold didn't realize was a trap.

By the time Letztgold was ready to take the woman who called herself Me in 2016 to his symposium, he had mastered the art of deceit and kidnapping that he didn't realize were deceit and kidnapping. And somehow, he had made his deceit charming enough to work.


	3. The Symposium

In retrospect, Me should've realized she was being set up. The robot that was seeking refuge on her street wasn't even dressed for 2016. He looked like he was dressed for the 1990s. He wore a black and red Chicago Bulls baseball hat, a green aloha shirt, khaki shorts, black sandals, and a neon pink waist pack. He was eerily calm approaching the Judoon who guarded her street, stating that he was Letztgold of Talerwelt and that he was seeking asylum because his planet was uninhabitable. Me, being the kind-hearted person she was when she wasn't enforcing absolute rule on her street, approached the robot with a smile.

"Hello." She adjusted the black and white scarf that hid the Quantum Shade on her neck and offered Letztgold her hand to shake.

"Hello, human," the robot said in a voice that was stilted and emotionless. The robot sounded as if it was programmed with a "male" computer voice with a generic American accent.

"I am Me. Everyone on this street calls me Mayor Me or Madame Mayor. You can choose whichever name suits you well."

"That is an odd name, Madame Mayor. Why would you call yourself Me?"

"I had a name once. I had many names. But I've forgotten them all."

"Why so?"

"My hero told me that once I gave my life for a village some time in the age of the Vikings. I can't remember. I have a human's memory. I can only remember so much at one time. He rewarded me with a gift that has given me a long life. But it's a curse. Who wants to live forever, and especially on earth, if you are alone?"

The robot cocked his head at Me. "I am sorry."

"No need. I am my own companion now. I have learned to accept this. There will be no immortal companion for me. I'll travel this world alone until I finally get off of it or it ends. At least I won't remember much of it. What's your name?"

"Letztgold of Talerwelt."

"You said Talerwelt is now uninhabitable?"

"Yes. Because of civil war."

"You should be comfortable here. There's someone who's good at repairing Cybermen on this street. I'm sure he'll be able to repair you and see to your needs. Let me see where I have a room to let on this street for you." She extended her right hand to Letztgold again. "Take my hand. Let's go."

Letztgold stood up. His joints creaked, begging for some sort of lubricant to move the joints together. He grabbed Me's hand. But instead of following her onto her hidden street, he released his grip on her hand. He tightly grabbed her wrist and headed towards the exit of her street, out onto the public streets of Waterloo.

Me tried to shake Letztgold's grasp. Somehow Letzgold was able to overcome Me's great strength. "What are you doing?"

"You are one of the esteemed guests at the Symposium of Letztgold of Talerwelt." Letztgold's voice changed from a general American accent to a flat version of Received Pronunciation. "You must come with me now, Madame Mayor."

A flash of white light surrounded them, followed by Letztgold's ageing vortex manipulator. Seconds later, Letztgold and Me disappeared from Waterloo.

 

The next thing Me saw was the inside of one of the horrid cells at Untental Gaol. Me walked around the little space she had in her room, listening to her shoes hitting the stone floor. She stopped moving and backed into whatever corner she could find when a white flash of light appeared. When the flash disappeared, Letztgold appeared in his cell, not wearing the tacking clothing from the 1990s.

"Hello, Madame Mayor," Letztgold said.

Me pointed at Letztgold, her eyes full of rage. "You knew about me before you set me up, didn't you?"

"You were never one to refuse a partnership, Madame Mayor."

"That was not a partnership, Letztgold That was a trap to kidnap me."

"I beg to differ. If I were you, I would be pleased. You are finally off Earth. Is that not what you wanted for so long?"

"Yes, I'd like to leave Earth, but not like this. I want to see the galaxy, not be your prisoner."

"You sound ungrateful."

"Why am I here?"

"You are known for your many exploits on Earth, more than any other immortal I have heard about that has resided on the planet. And from the aliens who have reported being on your street, they are in awe at how you run it."

"I know that. I assumed that when you said you were kidnapping esteemed guests for whatever you're calling your symposium."

"You will find out at the symposium. The time for the symposium will be announced. I am searching for one more guest. She will be here in due time."

"And what if I don't come to your symposium?"

A loud banging interrupted Me's rant.

"You shall see," Letztgold said. "Please follow me."

Letztgold opened Me's cell door by putting his finger into the door and unlocking the cell. When Letztgold opened the cell, Me reluctantly followed Letztgold out of it.

The hallway, very much like Me's cell, consisted of a stone floor and bricks painted over in white. The doors were evenly spaced between each other and directly faced each other. It wasn't as apparent in the cells, but the hallways showed signs that they weren't maintained in a long while. Dust and mould lined the walls, lightly tinting the colour of the walls brown and green. Me sneezed as she went past a pocket of dust between some of the cells. The hallway, very much like the cells, was lit by windows in clerestory roofs. These windows, unlike the windows pouring light into Me's cell, were blocked by dirt and debris, making the hallway slightly darker than the cells. Between the windows were circular red half-spheres that looked like a hybrid between security cameras and warning lights. They didn't provide any light throughout the hall.

Letztgold passed three doors on either side of him to get to a cell on his right, where the banging was coming from. Letztgold opened the door. Standing behind the door was a woman with long red hair and a teal tunic.

Me scowled at the woman. "You."

"Do you know this woman?" Letztgold asked Me.

"Is this not River Song?"

"Who is River Song?" The woman's accent was not a modern one, and yet she spoke in English. Me concluded there was some sort of translation circuit in this prison.

"This is Boudica," Letztgold said to Me. "I am currently looking for River Song. Why are you so interested in her?"

"She committed a crime against me," Me said. "After you're done with me, I'm going to take her back to my street and punish her appropriately."

"Maybe you two will reconnect at the symposium."

"I hope so," Me said.

"What about me?" Boudica looked into Letztgold's "eyes," a scowl on her face.

"Hello, Boudica," Letztgold said.

"Why have you imprisoned me? I was going to look for and kill this soothsayer who claimed I would lose at Camulodunum. I know it was you who grabbed me and placed me here. Do you work for this soothsayer, this...Doctor?"

Me wasn't surprised to hear Boudica mention the Doctor. Meddling in time was his thing. She was still amused that the Doctor would accuse her of meddling when he was one of the universe's masters of meddling. But the Doctor wouldn't stoop so low as to kidnap someone like Boudica and put her in one of the worst prisons Me had ever been in. Me was more surprised that Boudica was captured by Letztgold. Me could establish Letztgold had certain targets and was travelling through time to ensnare them, but who else? And why, other than some sort of "symposium?"

"You will know the reason soon," Letztgold said to Boudica. "Everyone will learn the reason why they are here when everyone is here for my symposium."

"I do not want to wait for your response, strange gold man. I want to know the reason right now."

"You will know the reason soon," Letztgold repeated.

Boudica grabbed Letztgold and pulled him closer to her. "You will tell me the reason now or I'll--"

Letztgold slid his arms out of Boudica's grasp, his squeaking limbs getting louder as he tried to control her movements. Letztgold grabbed Boudica's shoulders. Me saw Boudica's body shake. Boudica fell to her knees before collapsing on the stone floor. Letztgold waited for a minute, observing Boudica. Once he was sure Boudica was okay, Letztgold picked up Boudica and placed her into the metal slab bed.

Letztgold and Me walked out of Boudica's cell. "That is what happens when you disobey me," Letztgold said. "I learned this from you, from other species who have met you in your future. That is what I admired about you. You were able to keep peace on a street where various species, most of them alien to Earth, by authoritative rule. That is what I am going to use to keep the peace in my symposium."

"You can't control humans the same way I control my street. Humans have their laws. I have mine and they are for the denizens of my street."

Letztgold electrified his hands again. "I learned how to stun humans. I developed the idea from you. It does not kill, like your Quantum Shade. But it teaches them to behave."

"I would kill you with the Quantum Shade, but it only works on organic matter," Me said. No part of you is organic at all. I'm taking your charge. I'm not afraid. Go ahead. Shock me. You don't have to give me what you gave Boudica. I can take a couple hundred volts. You know why I'm still alive. You could do most anything you wanted to me and I'd still come back in a few hours."

"As you wish, Me."

Letztgold grabbed Me's shoulders as Me gave Letztgold a smirk.

Me saw the electricity illuminate the inside of her body. She lost control of her muscles; the electricity was making her body shake. Me fell to her knees. Finally, she was knocked out by the electricity. Me fell to the ground, similar to how Boudica fell to the ground.

Letztgold picked up the black and white scarf that had unravelled and fallen off of Me as Me was confronting him. He put the scarf around his neck. He then picked up Me and took her to her cell. Her tattooed chest was rising and falling. She wasn't lying when she said she would come back to life in a few hours.

As he was carrying Me's body, he noticed the tattoo moving. And although Me told him the Quantium Shade couldn't kill him, he still was afraid of it.

Letztgold set Me against the left side of her cell while he opened the cell door. After he unlocked the door, he picked up Me and placed her in her bed. He raised her head up and placed the scarf around her neck, making sure the moving tattoo was hidden on her body before leaving her cell.

Letztgold returned to his surveillance room. On the computer was a database entry on Me. Before Letztgold took Me out of her time, he listed all the details he knew about Me, from the places she was said to have resided in her lifetime to some of her names: her birth name, Ashildr, and several nicknames, such as Ash El Dir and Lady Sherade, before she gave up on names and settled for the "name" of Me. He typed in a few commands on the keyboard. The screen added a "Present" stamp to her profile.

Letztgold accessed the last person in his database, River Song. Her profile had a picture of her from a Luna University database. There were books in Letztgold's jail that contained stories about River Song. In one book, he read that her birth was the cornerstone of the Battle of Demons Run. In another, he read that she once was believed to have killed someone known as the Doctor. She was tried in what later was considered a kangaroo court and jailed at the Stormcage Containment Facility. But River was pardoned after five years because no one could prove the Doctor existed. In a book foretelling of rumours and prophecies about personages in the fifty-first century, he read that River would die shortly after this mysterious Doctor and her had a final meeting at the Singing Towers of Darillium. This prophecy book also alleged that she carried around a diary in the shape of a police box, the ones designed by Gilbert Mackenzie Trench in the late 1920s. This diary was said to contain vital facts about many of the galaxy's most fantastic creatures, including this Doctor.

Letztgold felt River was a great intellect and a woman of words, just like Me was. But while Letztgold liked the way Me ruled her refugee camp, he admired River's ruthlessness. If Letztgold was going to resurrect the country of Talerwelt, he needed someone like a River Song.

Letztgold wasn't sure if the events at the Singing Towers of Darillium or if that diary she carried around was real. But he did know that she was a professor at Luna University at one time. And that was where Letztgold was going to go next—to Luna University to pick up River Song. He found an open day where he believed River was actually in her office. The next step was to go and get her for the symposium.

 

Letztgold appeared at Luna University, at an open day for Candy College. Candy College was a college named after the Candy family of clones that taught at the university ever since its founding. One of the Candy clones, Arthur Candy, still worked in and taught for Luna University's archaeology department. Whenever she actually was at Luna University, River taught at Candy College.

Letztgold was bored with the open day tour of Candy College. He sat down with other students for an admissions talk with the Candy College tutor of undergraduate admissions. He sat down for a subject talk with tutors from the archaeology department. He took a tour of Candy College with current students of the college. He went to various question and answer sessions. None of the people Letztgold interacted with at Candy College offered any vital information about River's whereabouts.

Letztgold went to Candy College's pantry to get oil as a refreshment. It was true that he did need oil. This was the first time in over five years that he was anywhere near anyone who could oil him. Also, the squeaking his body made as he took the tour of Candy College irritated the other students who weren't robots. But he also used the opportunity to get oil refreshment to his advantage. After he was oiled, Letztgold went into a corner, programmed his vortex manipulator, and teleported away from Candy College. He went straight to the front door of Luna University's archaeology department.

Letztgold was stopped in at the entrance to the archaeology department by the department's secretary. "May I help you?" the secretary said. "I've never seen you before. Are you an undergraduate student? We usually don't allow undergraduate students inside the department."

"I'm here to speak with Professor Song," Letztgold said. "I received special permission to talk with her in the archaeology department by the principal of Candy College."

"Your name?"

"Marcus Hebblethwaite."

"Let me call her office." The secretary flipped a few buttons and put River on a speaker. "Professor Song?"

 _"I'm busy,"_ River said.

"I have a potential student here to see you."

_"They should have come before I risked life and limb to get these jewels for this exhibition. A woman threatened my life for a literal crown. I think I deserve a rest after that."_

"Do you know of a Marcus Hebblethwaite, Professor Song?"

_"No. Is his visit important? I'm going to pick up my date for the Lost Galaxies of the Universe exhibit later this evening."_

"It is a very important visit, Professor River Song," Letztgold said. "I wish to enrol in Luna University and study archaeology, just like you.”

_"Ms. Prealic, why didn't you say this student was a _robot? _Let him see me."___

Ms. Prealic turned off the speaker. "Walk down the hall and take a right. Professor Song's office is the fourth door from the right. You're all set, Mr. Hebblethwaite."

Letztgold walked to River's office. He remembered his manners; he knocked on River's door before she allowed him to come in. As Letztgold was walking in, River was writing in her diary. She hid her diary in a drawer under her desk. Letztgold asked to sit down in front of River's desk before she allowed him to.

After Letztgold sat down, his politeness ended. He needed River for his symposium, and he didn't know how to politely invite anyone to it.

River smiled. She outstretched his hand to him for a handshake. "I know you're Marcus Hebblethwaite. I heard over my speaker. You should sort of know me already. I'm Professor River Song. Are you new? I assume you are, and you're probably here for Luna University's open days."

"No. I am Letztgold of Talerwelt, and I have come for you."

River squinted at Letztgold. "Well, that's unusual."

"Hello, River."

River nodded. "Yes. That's my name. You've heard it several times by now. And?"

"I am here to take you to my symposium. You are my final guest. We do not have much time. Come with me or I'll be forced to stun you and take you to my symposium."

"You may not have enough time to do whatever you were planning to do, but I have all the time in the world. You're going to have to catch me first."

Letztgold shot out electrical charges from his hands.

River laughed. "Do it now or I'm going to turn on the sprinklers in the building and let you rust."

Letztgold lunged at River before she could get up from her chair. River was stunned in minutes.

Before Letztgold stunned River, he did see her put her diary up in the desk drawer. Letztgold opened the drawer and picked up the diary. Letztgold noticed pages inside of the book were yellowing and wrinkled as if they were submerged in water at least once. But the cover was of interest to him. The cover was blue. The front of it had a large rectangular indenture in the middle. Inside the rectangular indenture, there were six square indentures in the middle. The cover almost looked like the Doctor's ship, his TARDIS.

Upon seeing the cover of the book, Letztgold realized that book may have something to do with the the Doctor. Why else was a woman who was said to be the wife of the Doctor would carry such a book? And then he realized the book's existence confirmed that she _was_ the wife of the Doctor. Surely there had to be things about the Doctor in that book. Surely this was River's diary of legend, and surely this was his way to also ensnare the elusive, mysterious Doctor.

Letztgold heard people walking down the hallway. Someone or some people were approaching River's office. Letztgold knew he had no time to poach River and take her back to his conference. He would have to try again later. But with this book River had that Letztgold assumed was her diary, he had something that would guarantee her presence there. Letztgold grabbed her diary, started up his old vortex manipulator, and disappeared from River's office.

River awoke noticing that the drawer that her diary was in was open. She sighed. "It's not the first time this has happened. I'm going to need backup. Besides, we're going on a date later today anyway."

River grabbed a bag. She put in it two bottles. One was her mnemosine recall-wipe vapour. The other was what she called her "perfume," a spray where she could quickly change clothes. She also took her hallucinogenic lipstick. River decided not to take anything else.

Instead of going on a wild goose chase looking for Letztgold, River was going to get the Doctor's attention in one of the best ways she knew how. And to do that, she went to the headquarters of the Luna Broadcasting Corporation, the Violet Manor.

The Violet Manor was on the Moon's Capital City. The Capital City of the Moon had a mixture of old and modern buildings. The older buildings were reminiscent of buildings on Earth with Spanish-style architecture. Roofs were wavy and light brownish. The buildings were tan. The newer buildings looked like they could be from the Brutalist style of architecture on Earth. These buildings were white, black and grey. All the windows and ornaments were uniform in width, length, and height. The intersection of the Capital City, between the older buildings and the newer buildings, was where River was going to. The Violet Manor waited for her there.

The Violet Manor appeared intimidating for anyone who walked or travelled up to the studios. The building was a dull tan colour. All the shows were taped inside the manor; there were no smaller buildings with sound stages adjacent to the campus. The building had rounded-off edges. The right side of the building had more small, slender rectangular windows than the left side. Beside the Violet Manor was another intimidating sight, the parking deck that was fashioned in the same manner as the studio's building, albeit with open slots instead of windows with glass in them. An electrified gate blocked the Violet Manor out from the rest of the Capitol City.

River wasn't intimidated by the studio building. She walked up to the building, calculating the exact coordinates she needed to bypass the gate. When she had the coordinates calculated, she was inside the studio's gates in a flash.

The studio River was looking for was the one where they filmed _The Weakest Link on Luna._ Decades after _The Weakest Link_ ended on BBC Two, other places around the galaxy asked for the rights for the show from the BBC. Earth's moon, Luna, was one of those places. River wasn't sure where the studio was. She passed by a set where there was a recreation of New Year's Planet for the sitcom _The Hill on New Year's Planet._ There were Swiss-style houses and in the middle of the set was a mirror ball, similar to the one dropped in New York on New Year's Day. She passed by the exterior sets for the drama _Aldebaran Abbey._ The set for this drama was supposed to represent a huge country manor on Alderbar. In front of this manor on the set was a white iron fence, held together at the bottom by red stone. The entrance was flanked by small red stone turrets with conical roofs. Behind the fence was a massive front yard covered in grass save for an unpaved pathway. Some distance later, two reddish stone buildings with conical roofs with grey tile stood in front of the set for this house. Crescent-shaped hallways painted in white branched behind the reddish stone buildings. Rectangular windows with drapes on the side could be seen even from a distance. The hallways connected to a large, red stone building with three floors and a clerestory roof, also with grey tiling. Although the set was impressive, it wasn't what River was looking for, and she moved on.

Finally River arrived to the set of _The Weakest Link on Luna._ River put on her hallucinogenic lipstick. She walked to the sound stage for _The Weakest Link on Luna,_ kissing everyone that stood in her way. By the time she arrived in the production control room for the show, half the staff for the show believed she worked there in some capacity.

River went up to one of the producers of _The Weakest Link on Luna._ She kissed the producer on the cheek. "Why don't you take a break? Like a two hour break?"

The producer, a blank glare on his face, stood up and left the production control room. River quickly took the producer's seat and pulled a keyboard towards her. She typed in several commands on the computer she was at, hacking the stream that transmitted the show from all over Luna to the Doctor's TARDIS.

 

The Doctor was moments away from picking up the Ponds in their London residence, ready to take them on another adventure. Before he could set the coordinates to their home, the TARDIS sensed that someone was sending them a message. When the TARDIS realized that message was coming from River, she erased the coordinates that the Doctor was trying to input into her systems. The Doctor tried to type in the coordinates again, only to continually erase them until the Doctor stopped trying.

"Oh, come on, old girl," the Doctor said. "You know these coordinates. You've been to the Ponds' several times now. It's not like you to erase the coordinates to their residence before I even send you to go there."

The TARDIS' monitor flickered on to a continuity bumper for the Luna Broadcasting Company, complete with the logo of the channel, a man on the moon with a cane and a top hat on top of a smiling moon.

"This is no time to play games," the Doctor said to the TARDIS.

 

The control room for _The Weakest Link on Luna_ had a camera inside the control room, for the occasions where the host of this version would talk to the producer in case something went awry during filming. River turned the camera towards herself and zoomed the camera in to where she was sitting in the control room. River looked into the camera. "Hello, sweetie," she mouthed, knowing the camera wouldn't be able to pick up her voice. She winked and blew the camera a kiss. "Keep watching," she continued mouthing.

 

Back in the TARDIS, the continuity bumper suddenly cut away to River in the control room for _The Weakest Link on Luna._ The Doctor saw River mouth "Hello, sweetie" to him as well as her wink, her kiss, and her second message to him.

The Doctor grinned as he received River's message. He clapped and rubbed his hands. "Hello, River, you naughty, naughty girl. I need to send her something so she knows I've gotten her message." The Doctor typed in some commands to send a transmission to the control room for _The Weakest Link on Luna._

 

Back in the control room, all the monitors briefly showed the Doctor waving to River from the TARDIS before going back to colour testing screens and screens of the empty set. Satisfied that the Doctor received her initial messages, River redirected the TARDIS' feed to a camera filming the empty set for _The Weakest Link on Luna._ She zoomed the camera in on the lectern on the far right of the host's lectern. And, for equal measure, she changed the name on the lectern to her name.

With everything set up in her favour, River left the control room and went into the pre-show contestant line-up for _The Weakest Link on Luna._ She kissed the last contestant in the line-up. "Your episode isn't filming until tomorrow, sweetie," she whispered in the contestant's ear. The dazed contestant walked off set.

 

 _The Weakest Link on Luna_ began filming after the assistant producer couldn't find the producer River stunned and sent away from the production control room. The assistant producer cued the announcer to start up the show. The announcer announced the host; the host walked out and stood at her lectern. She gave a short speech about how tough and strict she was as the other contestants and River walked into the studio.

The contestants introduced themselves as one of the studio's cameras, the one that was at contestant level to film the contestants in a semi-circle, filmed the contestants being introduced. Then the camera landed on River. "Six one nine two slash nine four, nine by two, nine four slash filbert," she said into the camera. "I need a ride." She winked at the camera.

 

Back at Luna University, Letztgold passed by a computer playing _The Weakest Link on Luna_ from a room in Candy College. Letztgold heard River give the coordinates to the Doctor. He also realized River was talking about coordinates and not random numbers and words to the audience.

Letztgold typed in River's coordinates. He stole a student's bag from the room and put River's diary in it. From there, Letztgold headed towards the Violet Manor.

 

Security for _The Weakest Link on Luna_ noticed River had taken the place of the missing contestant, made even more noticeable because the contestant was male and didn't look like a human. Security ran out to attempt to grab River. But before security could grab her, the TARDIS materialized on the set of _The Weakest Link on Luna,_ right behind River.

"Sorry for the shock, ladies and gentlemen," River said to the audience, the other contestants, security, and the host. "But my ride is here. I won't be seeing you all again, I hope."

The right door to the TARDIS opened. The Doctor stretched out his right hand. River grabbed the Doctor's hand. As the Doctor was pulling River into the TARDIS, Letztgold appeared out of nowhere and took River's free hand.

"You are late to the symposium," Letztgold said to River. "Come with me to the symposium."

River sighed. "The one time a robot and a man are fighting for my affection, and one of them is trying to kidnap me."

"I don't know who you are," the Doctor said to Letztgold, "but you're not going to take my wife away from me right in front of my eyes."

"She is late to the symposium."

"She's not late for anything."

The Doctor tugged River out of Letztgold's hands and into the TARDIS. The TARDIS materialized away from _The Weakest Link on Luna,_ leaving the set's security grasping air, desperately trying to hold the TARDIS down.

Security then focus their efforts on trying to pin down Letztgold. Letztgold set up his vortex manipulator and disappeared from _The Weakest Link on Luna_ set, heading back to the only place he felt safe, Untental Gaol.

 

River rubbed her lips with her right hand, removing the hallucinogenic lipstick. She gave the Doctor a peck on his lips by the doors of the TARDIS. "Hello, sweetie."

The two of them stared walking toward the TARDIS console.

"What's so important that you decided to crash a game show set to get my attention, River?"

"I'd say someone knocking me out and taking my diary is important. And that someone—excuse me, a moving tin can—was trying to kidnap me a few moments ago."

The Doctor gasped. He shook his head. "This can't happen."

River told the Doctor about how Letztgold lied to her and then took her diary after she refused to go to Letztgold 's conference.

"Letztgold sounds like one of the security robots from Talerwelt, made before its fall," the Doctor said.

"Talerwelt? I haven't been sent to an excursion on Talerwelt yet."

"Take a seat, River. I'm about to give you a history lesson on Talerwelt."

"There aren't seats around the console. And I'm perfectly fine standing up."

The Doctor cleared his throat. "In Talerwelt's forty-fifth century, there was a civil war. It was between the Talerweltian nobles, the working class, and the poor. Most of the fighters on both sides died in what's now known as the Talerweltian Civil War. Several doctors and nurses perished in the war, too, so there wasn't a lot of efficient health care. If the fighters weren't actually killed in battles, they died from poor treatment after being wounded in the war. The war also claimed several places of culture on Talerwelt, like schools, universities, and libraries. The survivors were the poor that didn't get involved in the civil war. They were too poor to go to war, but they only know how things like how to farm and hunt."

"So I assume the robot that stole my diary is one of the few robots on the planet."

"Yes. He might be the only one, actually. Probably found a way not to get shattered to bits during that civil war. And now that I've come to think about it, there's one notable building that survived the Talerweltian Civil War. Untental Gaol. Before the civil war, it was a prison for Talerwelt's most dangerous criminals. Murderers. Thieves. People who dared to speak out against the Talerweltian government. During the civil war, the Talerweltian army ran out of soldiers, so they forcefully made the prisoners of Untental Gaol soldiers for the Talerweltian Army. Untental Gaol wasn't in the direct path of some of the theatres of that civil war. The prisoners of the gaol had to travel to other parts of the planet to fight. The gaol, on the other hand, survived mostly intact. That robot must've have fled there sometime during the war and hid out in the gaol. And since that robot has your diary, I'm sure he has something sinister in mind for the two of us."

"Let me see if I can find a map of the Gaul. That was we can find the office of whoever has stolen your diary. We'll confront him there."

The Doctor typed in some commands into the TARDIS and pulled up a map of Untental Gaol. He put his finger on the office. The office was a small house connected to the gaol by a long hallway. South of the prison was the gaol's mess hall, also connected by hallway. "This is probably where our culprit is. I suppose he's going to have his conference in a mess hall."

"How romantic. Have we both experienced the twenty-second of April in 2011?"

"I believe we have."

"My wedding to you was much more romantic."

"You always said you wanted to get married."

"I'm not complaining. There are worse people to be married to in the galaxy."

"So this robot wants to have a symposium," the Doctor said. "And he might already have some prominent guests in that prison already. Let's give that robot what he wants. Let's go to his symposium and pretend we're not going to a prison." The Doctor set the TARDIS' coordinates to Talerwelt. "I'm not sure why you'd hold a symposium in a prison, but I'm sure that robot has his reasons."

 

Untental Gaol wasn't situated in green plains any more. Any grass and other plant life had died years ago, leaving a brown, decomposing mass around the gaol. Some debris from the Talerweltian Civil War was near the prison; armour, weaponry, vehicles, all broken. But mercifully there were no signs of decomposing bodies near the gaol.

Untental Gaol was, however, situated in the middle of a V-shaped valley. River hid the TARDIS in a rock formation on the right to the gaol, making sure the rocks around the TARDIS hid it. She also took the brakes off the TARDIS as she landed.

"This is not a time to announce our presence," River said as she landed the TARDIS. "You'd better not complain about the brakes being off."

"Oh, I won't complain about the brakes being off, not today," the Doctor said. "But I'm going to put them back on when you leave."

"You do know the brakes are what gets you in trouble sometimes?"

"But I like the sound of the brakes."

"Did you ask the TARDIS if she minds the brakes being on?"

"I'm sure she doesn't mind."

River and the Doctor walked out of the TARDIS. "I hope you brought your vortex manipulator."

River flashed her vortex manipulator at the Doctor.

"It's still cheap and nasty time travel," the Doctor said.

"It's cheap and nasty time travel you're going to have to rely on. And I told you exactly how the weather would be on Talerwelt today with it. I wouldn't be complaining too much."

"You've taken over this whole mission ever since you've gotten into the TARDIS."

"If it bothered you so much, then why are you still here? You could always fly away with the TARDIS and leave me here to battle that electrified walking tin can."

"But I thought you needed help."

"Your primer on Talerwelt was all I needed. I don't need help thrashing a tin can to bits to get my diary back."

"River, you're a clever girl. I bet you would've found out about Talerwelt without me."

"Maybe."

The Doctor paused. "River, I gave you that diary."

"I know."

"If I didn't care about the diary I wouldn't be here."

"I know."

"You've done so much for me. Maybe you've lived through it yet. Maybe not. Who knows, especially since a crazed robot has your diary. The least I can do is help you out with whatever you need." The Doctor kissed River on her lips. River returned the kiss; the kiss was long and lingering. "We've wasted enough time squabbling. Get us in front of that gaol, River."

River typed in commands and coordinates into her vortex manipulator. She wrapped her hands around the Doctor's waist. "Of course, sweetie. Now hang on."

River and the Doctor teleported in front of the former warden's house in front of the gaol. River let go of the Doctor. She took off her vortex manipulator. "I'm thinking I should hide this," she said, flashing the vortex manipulator in front of the Doctor's eyes.

"I should have room in my pockets to hide it."

"I wonder what else you have hidden in your pockets." River had a big devilish grin on her face.

"The only other things I keep in my pockets are jelly babies, River. Don't get any ideas."

"You can still do things with jelly babies."

The Doctor sighed. "Just give me your vortex manipulator so I can hide it and store it with my screwdriver."

River gave the Doctor her vortex manipulator. She winked at him. Their devices hidden, they walked to the front door of the warden's house.

The warden's house and the gaol on the outside were made of stone. Unlike the inside of the gaol, the outside of the warden's house as well as the outside of the gaol and the mess hall were made of unpainted, uneven stone. The buildings from the outside were a drab and dull grey, but in an environment where the grass was dead and there were patches of dry dirt surrounding the gaol, the gaol stood out.

River and the Doctor walked up to the door of the warden's home. River knocked on the wooden door. No one answered the door, but the door had not been used in a long time. River's knock, as gentle as it was, caused the door to open slightly. River pushed the door open, and River and the Doctor walked in the office.

To their surprise, the office was also the same place where Letztgold was tracking and motoring all his captives. River and the Doctor could see all the monitors in the warden's office placed to monitor the gaol. They could see the hallways in the gaol as well as the mess hall, and all of them were empty. There were also no signs of River's diary, either on the monitors or in the warden's house.

River then found her way to Letztgold's database, which was still on River's face. River went through the database. She called over the Doctor.

"So this is the list of people at this robot's symposium," the Doctor said, looking at the screen with River's face and data on it. "Let's see who's imprisoned here."

River and the Doctor went through Letztgold's database to see who he had imprisoned. The list was mostly people the Doctor and River knew of through their travels. People like Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein, Jane Austen, and Marie Curie. Then River and the Doctor stumbled upon Me.

"I don't think I know her," the Doctor said when she gazed upon the picture of Me, her bangs held together in curls. "Maybe I'll meet her today!" the Doctor exclaimed. He clapped his hands. "I like meeting new friends."

That was when River realized Me met the Doctor in his future. She didn't know exactly when, but she knew time and space would be threatened if River didn't fix their timelines. She was relieved she brought her mnemosine recall-wipe vapour with her. That took some of the work out of fixing all these timelines, let alone the Doctor's and Me's.

After the Doctor clapped his hands, there was action on another monitor. It was Letztgold and Me, back at Me's cell. Me adjusted her scarf, hiding the quantum shade tattoo. There was a struggle between the two, with Me pushing Letztgold against the door of her cell. After Me freed herself from Letztgold, Letztgold grabbed her back and shocked Me, causing her to fall to the ground out of view of the camera. Letztgold pushed Me inside of her cell and shut the door, leaving the cell. As all this was happening, the Doctor and River watched the action silently on the monitor where the camera had picked up that action.

"And now that robot's harmed one of our new friends."

"That you've never met."

"No one harms my friends, especially the friends I've never met, and gets away with it."

"I wouldn't be surprised if that tin can stored my diary inside itself," River said, changing the subject.. "I don't know why he'd have a secret chamber on his body. He doesn't look like the type who could handle a heart. He doesn't look like the type to even handle a heart clock."

"Maybe the diary's in one of the cells, or maybe it's even in the mess hall," the Doctor said. "We don't know for sure."

"Except he's got it, and we need to find him. We should leave now, River. If we hurry we could pin that robot down and stop him before he takes a peek at your diary."

"Yes, we should."

The Doctor and River ran out of the door leading to the warden's quarters and the cells in the gaol. It was at that moment that they found Letztgold.

"I have never properly introduced myself to you, Doctor. Hello, the Doctor. Hello again, River."

"It's just Doctor. You don't have to put 'the' in front of it all the time."

"I am Letztgold of Talerwelt, sole owner and proprietor of the former Gaol of the Green Plains."

River yawned. "We know. I'm guessing you weaselled your way out of the Talerweltan civil war and hid out in a prison that was abandoned."

"Welcome to my symposium."

"If you don't give me my diary back, you're in for a world of hurt," River said.

"I will give your diary back to you after the symposium, but for the moment, it appears I have lost your diary."

River pointed at Letztgold. "You caused my diary to get lost in the first place."

"That is true. But I had the best of intentions with your diary. I was going to invite all the Doctors to my symposium. Then I was going to give it to you."

"Hey, that's not the best of intentions," the Doctor said. "You're threatening all of time and space with whatever it is you're trying to do."

"Please come with me to the meeting hall."

"We know it's a mess hall, Letztgold," River said. "There is no quote-on-quote 'meeting hall' here."

"Please come with me to the meeting hall," Letztgold repeated. "I will find your diary after the symposium. I will search every room in Untental Gaol while all the guests are safely locked into the meeting hall."

"What kind of a symposium involves people being locked into a meeting hall that's not even a meeting hall?" River said.

"Please follow me in silence or I will be forced to stun you both."

"I can handle being stunned, you garbage can."

The Doctor grabbed River's waist, holding her back. "River," he whispered in her right ear, "we should do what Letztgold says. He may say he's lost your diary, but he's our key in getting back. "

River nodded. "You're right," she whispered back. "I'm glad I didn't bring my blaster on this trip. His head might not be on his body."

"It isn't like you to not bring some sort of gun on your journeys."

"Well, aren't guns inappropriate for symposiums? That and I've been going through changes, Doctor. Can't a girl change her mind about guns?"

The Doctor let go of River's waist. "Of course you can change your mind. But we've got to keep our wits intact. If we lose Letztgold before we find your diary, we might never find it."

"Sweetie, enough talk. Let's go to this symposium."

 

The mess hall was decorated in the same manner that the rest of the prison was. Clerestory roofs provided light into the mess hall. There were white painted walls with the paint chipping off of them.

The tables had wooden tops attached to metal posts bolted on to the floor. The chairs, much like the chairs in the cell, were attached to rails with wheels. The chairs were similar to the ones in the cells by the desks, but the legs of these chairs were thicker. There were modern metal cuffs on the front two legs of the chairs. The cuffs were open, in a C-shape.

Letztgold sat River down in a chair at a table left of a table in front of the table. This table had one large wooden chair by it and no place setting, unlike the two tables this table was in front of. Behind it was a large red curtain, a gold rope beside it, hinting at some sort of a big reveal. River noticed the table with one chair by it. "I assume you're the only head of that table then," she said.

"I will be making a speech at this table," Letztgold said.

Letztgold pressed a button on the side of the chair. The cuffs clasped around River's lower thighs. Letztgold sat the Doctor down in a similar manner.

"I will return, back and forth, until all our guests get here."

"Why can't you trust that your captives will walk to the mess hall on their own accord?" the Doctor asked.

Letztgold said nothing.

"You don't trust humans, do you?" the Doctor said to Letztgold. You've brought them all here, and I bet you think they're cleverer than you are. You think they'll dominate you. You can handle one human. Maybe two. But not everyone you've collected in this building."

"Everyone is here for a purpose."

"That you haven't told us about."

"I will return." Letztgold left the mess hall, locking the door leading to the mess hall.

One by one, Letztgold brought in the people he collected for his symposium. The first guest, much to River's horror, was Me, dressed in her scarf. Behind her was Boudica, dressed in her tunic. She had a scowl on her face and it was directed at Letztgold. Me was seated besides River on her left, and Boudica was seated besides the Doctor on his right.

River clenched her teeth as the Doctor looked at Me. "Hello," the Doctor said to Me. "I'm the Doctor. To my left is River Song. Have you two met?"

Me peered around River. She smiled at the Doctor. "We have. I'm..."

River leaned over towards Me. "Use a nickname," River whispered to Me. "Don't tell him who you are. I'll fix this later."

"I'm...the Mayor. It's a nickname, just like I assume the Doctor is a nickname. Something to aspire to. Am I correct?"

The Doctor paused and thought for a moment. "I suppose it is something live up to."

Boudica grabbed the Doctor by his jacket. She forced him to face her. "You are the man they call the Doctor?"

"Yes," the Doctor said, nervously.

"You lied to me. You said I would be ransacked by forces in Camulodunum."

"I'm going to assume you're not the nicer Boudica I met."

River's eyes perked up. "Two Boudicas, sweetie?"

"Yes, two Boudicas, River. The nicer one is a Time Lord who called herself Fimmilena. Lovely girl. She has a TARDIS with a working chameleon circuit. She turned her TARDIS into a standing stone at Stonehenge. I'm afraid she died in the Time War."

"I do not care about this Fimmilena," Boudica continued. "I care about your lies. Once I am out of these bonds, I am going to impale you on a stick and leave you there to die."

"Does this Fimmilena look like me, by any chance?" River asked the Doctor.

"Yes, she does, dear."

"Ooh, this sounds like the time there were two of you at the same time in the TARDIS."

"That was not supposed to happen."

"That's because you didn't let it happen. Like you didn't invite Boudica, Fimmilena, and I over to meet each other."

"I didn't know you when I met Boudica and Fimmilena. I was with Leela and Romana then."

"You didn't even try, sweetie. But I forgive you. Remember next time. You know, for a birthday present." River winked at the Doctor.

The Doctor could hear Boudica growling in his face. "This is not the time to ask for birthday presents, dear."

River cleared her throat. "You might know this while the Doctor was introducing himself to the Mayor," River said to Boudica, "but I'm River Song. I'm the Doctor's wife. I assume he wants me to let go of you. I'm sorry for whatever he did in the past, and if I was a better wife, I would've known about that by now. I'm currently weaponless at the moment, so I can't threaten your life. But I can say that if you're going to threaten my husband by impaling him on a stick, I'm going to make sure that you're impaled on that stick with him. And you might not want to impale him. Sometimes he shoots fire out of his hands, fire so powerful it might blast you...oh, about fifty yards in the air or so? You might not want to impale him if you value your own life."

Boudica let go of the Doctor's jacket.

"But if the Doctor's nice enough to invite Fimmilena and me to your place..."

The Doctor turned to River. "Down, girl."

Letztgold brought in more of the people River and the Doctor had seen in the database: Winston Churchill, Albert Einstein, Jane Austen, Marie Curie. Others joined them. The people Letztgold imprisoned were writers, scientists, politicians, generals. Twenty-one men were "invited" to the symposium. The number was twenty until Letztgold decided the Doctor should be one of his targets. The number of Doctors could have been more if Letztgold still had River's diary and decided to look for the Doctors River knew of. Twenty women were also "invited" to the symposium. All of them were human except for the Doctor.

The noise in the mess hall began to build. And the Doctor was distracted, pointing out all the people he knew without paying close attention to the women directly sitting beside him. The noise and the Doctor being distracted allowed Me to poke River gently in the side with her elbow. Me cocked her head to the side when she had River's attention. River leaned to the left, close to Me's face.

"River Song," Me whispered. "I thought you were Boudica at first. You two look remarkably similar."

"I know," River whispered back. "Hello, Mayor Me. That is, if you're still calling yourself that."

"The Crown Jewels are in a safe place now."

"Those Crown Jewels were mine."

River laughed. "They were never yours to begin with." She cleared her throat and lowered her voice again. "This place seem familiar to you?"

"No."

"Reminds me of a certain refugee camp run by a certain tyrant. You did say that your street is a refugee camp for aliens, correct?"

"Correct. But I wouldn't call myself a tyrant."

"I'd say otherwise. It's quite astonishing that you've been able to manage your camp since, if I'm not mistaken, around the 1850s or so."

"It was an alien foxhole first. Eventually it did become a refugee camp."

"Are you managing this street as a mayor or as a warden?"

"Neither. I'm only doing what's right to protect these refugees from those that seek to harm them. People like you."

River scoffed. "Seems like you're managing that street as both a mayor and a warden, and you refuse to see it that way."

"Suit yourself." Me flashed the Quantum Shade tattoo on her chest. "I should order the Quantum Shade to punish you."

"Kill me and you threaten all of time and space. I'm warning you, Mayor Me."

"But I'm not going to order the Quantum Shade to punish you. Creatures from far and wide seek to find me on Earth because they know I can make an alliance with them. And so I want to make an alliance of sorts with you."

"You mean 'a deal.'"

"I think 'alliance' is a nicer-sounding word than 'deal.'"

"Oh, I'd say this is a deal." River leaned in closer to Me. "But I'm listening."

"Letztgold came to my cell earlier. He apologized for shocking me earlier to subdue me, even though I told him I can handle it. But he made one crucial error in coming to me. I saw he had your diary with him. And as some who has written libraries full of journals myself, I know how important they are to people. So I decided to take your diary away from him."

"How'd you know I have a diary?"

"You of all people should know I'm extraordinarily clever. Anyway, Letztgold didn't realize I'd notice your diary, let alone know what it is. So I started a fight with him. I managed to pull the diary away from him and hide it behind my back."

"You've always been good at stealing things. I've always admired that in you. We should team up and do some sort of robbery together."

"Thank you, River, but my place is with my street. My days of thievery are over."

River nodded. "I see."

"Letztgold shocked me again, but not before I was able to hide your diary behind my back. It hurt, but I made sure my body hid your diary behind my back as it fell. I hid the diary in the desk at my cell. And this is where I reach the point where I propose to you my alliance."

"Deal."

"If I have it right, I've been taken out of my time stream, along with everyone else trapped in this prison."

"The Doctor and I believe we all were."

Me paused. "It's quite obvious the Doctor trusts you. Even though you stole from me, I feel I can trust you as well. I'm certain you won't tell him about my street or me until he finds out for himself. After all, you're quite fond of telling me not to spoil you on anything. It is your catch phrase, after all."

"Sweetie, I have other catch phrases. 'Spoilers' is one of them."

"And I know you were carrying around mnemosine recall-wipe vapour on my street."

"You know about everything I brought on your street. I bet you even knew about how I intentionally destroyed my house on your street."

Me nodded. "Everything but your attempt to steal the Crown Jewels from me. I wrote everything you did down in a journal you couldn't find. I had to make sure you wouldn't harm the residents on my street."

"You knew about the vortex manipulator and you let me go."

"I needed the Quantum Shade with me on the street."

River squinted her eyes. "No, I think you actually cared about me enough to let me live, no matter what you say."

Me gave River a sly smile. She didn't want to say it, but the smile admitted she did care about River. The initial rage Me had over River stealing from her had started to fade. "River, my friend, if I give you back your diary and let you erase my memory with your mnemosine recall-wipe vapour, I promise I won't put that chronolock I placed on you earlier. I won't ask for my Crown Jewels back. And I promise I won't make you face my Quantum Shade."

River extended her hand to Me. "I'm not one for verbal contracts, but it's the best we can do right now. Deal."

Me extended her hand to River. She shook River's hand and grinned. "Deal. But I have a question for you. Were you married to the Doctor when you showed up to my street?"

"Yes."

Me looked down on the floor, a frown on her face. River picked her chin up with her left hand. "Someday you'll find the right person to take you off Earth." River cleared her throat. "Someday you'll even find the right person. Be patient, Me. Like we're going to have to be patient before we can free everyone trapped in here."

"I'll try." She smiled, but it felt that smile was to convince River more than to convince herself.

"I have the feeling we're not going to be patient any longer, Mayor Me." River poked the Doctor on his left side. He was engaged with a conversation with Marie Curie.

The Doctor turned his head and blinked a few times. "Oh. River. The Mayor."

"Have you got a plan to get us out of here?"

The Doctor looked up before returning to River and Me. "I have no idea what we're going to do."

River sighed. "I shouldn't have asked. But I think I have an idea. Give me your screwdriver and my vortex manipulator. I'm giving your sonic to the Mayor, but I'm taking my vortex manipulator back." She tilted her head towards Me. Me, sensing what was going on, nodded.

"Why are you letting the Mayor use my sonic? It's my sonic."

"Doctor, look at us, and then look at the Mayor. Which one of us looks like they can fit into the tightest of spots?" River tilted her head towards Me. Me, sensing what was going on, nodded. "And I'm not talking about myself."

"River, manners. We're in polite company."

"It's not like they're not going to remember all this when we're done, anyway."

The Doctor nodded. "I see where you're going with this, River. But does the Mayor know how to use the sonic?"

"You don't even own a sonic." The Doctor didn't know that, in this point in her timeline, she owned a sonic, albeit a sonic trowel. "How do you know how to use my sonic?"

"The TARDIS taught me."

"How come the TARDIS isn't teaching me how to use the things I own?"

"You're not one to listen to her."

"Are we going to fight about the brakes again?"

"Sweetie, we can't fight about the brakes again. We haven't the time."

"Right."

"Do you two bicker a lot?" Me whispered to River.

"We do. It takes him a while to see things my way, but he eventually does. Sometimes."

Letztgold returned with the final two guests, both male. He sat them down at the second table.

"Keep an eye out on Letztgold," River said to Me. "Knowing the Doctor, he's going to get in a fight with him."

"I assume I'll have the Doctor's sonic when the Doctor fights with Letztgold."

"I hope."

"I'll be using the sonic to open those clasps around everyone's thighs and you're going to send everyone back to their proper time with your vortex manipulator."

"And after I make a little detour to get some of my things, they're all going to forget." River winked at Me.

When Letztgold was finished locking everyone in their chairs, he sat at his table. He banged his hand on his table. "I am Letztgold of Talerwelt. This is my symposium. You will have dinner in my dining room. I assure you of this. I do not want you all to starve. But I want you to listen to my story. It is a tale of what you humans would call woe. I do not know what woe is. I am a robot, and you must all know robots cannot feel human emotions. But I believe this is a tale about woe.

"Since you all are humans, except you, Doctor, you may not know about my planet. I will explain my planet to you. Once, Talerwelt was a beautiful place. We had plants. We had waters. We have humans. I remember it well. I was a robot created to tutor the underage members of the royal household of Talerwelt. I taught them how to read and write.

"Things changed when our planet was at civil war. I saw scenes of carnage. I did not like what I saw, I believe you all would call it a horror. I saw people being murdered. I saw people being tortured. I saw people being treated for their injuries. I thought they would be healed. But then I saw them die."

While Letztgold was speaking, the Doctor slid his hand in his pocket and pulled out River's vortex manipulator. He passed it to River. River put the vortex manipulator on her arm. The Doctor passed the sonic screwdriver to River. She passed the sonic screwdriver to Me, holding it as if she was going to use it. "Hold it just like this. When you use it, think of opening those clasps. The sonic will do the rest of the work."

"That's all I need to do?"

"That's all you need to do."

Me crossed her arms, carefully hiding the sonic screwdriver behind her left forearm while pretending to care about Letztgold's sheep.

"I saw every cultural landmark of Talerwelt destroyed," Letztgold continued. "The schools, the universities, the libraries, the palaces. Everything was destroyed. I knew the humans who had maintained me and maintained the planet would not be around to maintain the planet.

Letztgold stood up. He pulled the rope that opened the curtain to the dining room. The window provided more light into the dining room, but it also displayed the bleak wasteland the Doctor and River saw before entering Untental Gaol.

"I could not tolerate the deaths any longer. I fled. I fled to Untental Gaol for safety. And there I waited until the war was over. I had hoped someone would come back to Untental Gaol to check on its progress. No one came. I estimate it took me five years to leave Untental Gaol. And I only left when I felt confident I could bring the best and the brightest minds of Earth to this symposium to help rebuild my war-torn country. And to start this symposium, I have acquired for you Nexus eels from the planet of Nexus. I have read that this type of animal is not from the planet Earth, but this animal is still safe for human consumption. So I have roasted these eels for you all."

River grimaced. "Roast Nexus eels? That's the worst thing I ever had on Nexus."

"This meal shall be served soon. I have brought all of you here because you are some of the most brilliant minds on one of the greatest planets I have ever learned about in Mutter's Spiral." Letztgold pointed at the Doctor. "But all of you are not from Earth. The Doctor is from Gallifrey, but he is merely the Earth's champion. I had plans to invite more Doctors, to have them all take you to where I want you to go, but my guidebook on them has disappeared. The culprit who has taken my guide shall be punished."

"It's my diary, you tin can," River said, "and it's not yours. You've stolen it from me and I want it back." River pretended as if she had no knowledge of Me stealing the diary back and hiding it in her cell. Her acting convinced most of the people in the dining hall. Me, on the other hand, feigned shock and disgust, her eyes wide, her mouth open.

"I plan for you all to settle in various areas on Talerwelt," Letztgold said, ignoring River. "I want you to teach the people how to read, how to write, how to fight, how to think. And together, we will start a new golden age on Talerwelt."

"I've had enough of this," the Doctor said.

"Doctor, I am surprised you oppose my plans. You of all people should know how to build an army."

"Letztgold, how do you process your information?"

"When I have a book, like River Song's diary, I let my fingers glide over words. When I am on my computer, I download information to my systems. My systems interpret the words and allow me to speak them in your language. I am aided by a pre-existing translation circuit in this gaol."

"If you truly understand what River wrote about me, you'd know that yes, I've fought in a war. I fought in a senseless, meaningless war that I wanted no part of. And over my years of travels, I've met many companions."

Me slid under her table. She used the sonic screwdriver to free herself from the clasps around her lower thighs. River was the only one to notice Me sliding under the table and freeing herself. River waved her hand under the table, wigging her fingers as she did so.

The Doctor was still speaking. "I've done things I regret. I've put some of my companions in harm's way. And I deeply resent that I've done such things with my companions."

Me saw River's hand waving under the table. She freed River from her clasps.

"But if you want me to be your prisoner and build some sort of army, especially in a place that has no current need for an army, you are mistaken. I don't go around the universe trying to start wars. I'm a man in a big blue box. That was who I was when I first stole my TARDIS and ran away, and that's who I still am."

Me crawled under the table, ducking feet and the bars keeping the tables up until she reached the Doctor's feet. Me freed the Doctor from his clasps. The Doctor noticed this as he was talking. After moving his legs and wiggling his toes, he stood up. "I'm not going to build an army for you or anyone. And you're not going to use these people to build your idea of what an empire is. I'm here to get these people back to their proper place and time."

"How did you do that?" Letztgold said.

The Doctor waved his hands in front of his face. "Magic, Letztgold. Magic."

Still crawling under the table, Me stopped at a tunic and leather shoes, knowing immediately she was in front of Boudica. She freed Boudica from her clasps.

"I can help you find people to rebuild your society," the Doctor continued. "I can ask people who'd be willing to feed, educate, and rebuild your people. And they'd be willing to stay, unlike a lot of the people you've kidnapped from Earth."

The people forced to sit at the dinner party murmured in agreement.

 

While Me was freeing the people shackled to their chairs and the Doctor was taunting Letztgold, sure that Me was out of her way, River also crawled under the table. But instead of following Me, she carefully rolled the chair she was in out of the way so she could crawl behind the people in their chairs. She noticed Me had already freed Boudica. And she remembered what Boudica said earlier while threatening to impale the Doctor. River set her coordinates to just after the fall of Camulodunum around 60 AD. She grabbed Boudica's waist with her left arm. The two vanished from Unterwelt Gaol.

River next went to where the TARDIS was hidden. She pulled out her TARDIS key and opened the TARDIS.

"Is this the way back to where I was taken?" Boudica asked as she entered the TARDIS, following River inside.

The two walked past the console room and down the TARDIS' hallways until they reached the room where River placed her bag she packed and took with her from Luna University. River grabbed her bag, now that she could afford to slip in and out of Unterwelt Gaol without Letztgold noticing her.

"No, Boudica. This is a pit stop for me. Don't worry. You won't remember what this looks like in a little bit." River offered her hand to Boudica. "Take my hand. I'm taking you home."

River and Boudica appeared in Roman Empire-controlled Britain. Boudica looked around her surroundings.

"Is this where you were taken from?" River asked Boudica in Old Britonic. She was far away from the TARDIS as well as the language translation circuit at Untental Gaol. River didn't think she would have to literally speak the language, but she was glad she learned it at the university she learned Old Britonic from.

"Yes. And the exact spot, too. How did you know?"

"I'm good at what I do."

"But where is your husband? I wish to seek his body impaled on a pole."

River sighed. "Still? Don't worry about him. We've left him behind. We should worry about you."

"Why should I be worried?"

River pulled out her mnemosine recall-wipe vapour. "You've seen too much."

"I've seen enough to want the Doctor dead."

"No, not that. You weren't supposed to be on that planet. I can't fix that, but I can make you forget. You won't remember a thing."

River sprayed Boudica with the mnemosine recall-wipe vapour. She quickly programmed her vortex manipulator and headed back to Untental Gaol.

Boudica stood where she was for a minute, dazed. The effects of the vapour lingered long enough to allow Boudica to forget she had seen the Doctor. After she had forgotten about Untental Gaol, Boudica headed back to her camp. She made a reminder that after she defeated the Romans, she was going to hunt down the Doctor, the soothsayer with the long piece of fabric around his neck and the curly hair.

 

Back at Untental Gaol, the Doctor was finishing up his speech to Letztgold. "These people will not be your captives. I will not be your captive. One by one, I'm going to return all these people you've kidnapped through time and space to their right time. You are not risking all of time and space just you you can restore one planet to its former glory. You're right, Letztgold—I protect the Earth, and I'm going to protect it from you."

The Doctor was greeted with polite applause. It was at that point that River reappeared inside the mess hall. At around the same time River reappeared, Me had broken the lock off of a woman's cuffs. River hid behind the guests that were sitting beside Boudica. Boudica realized the woman who was recently freed was Jane Austen. River typed in some coordinates and wrapped her left arm around Austen's waist.

"If you're going to attempt to catch me, Letztgold, you'd better catch me now. "Or..." The Doctor pointed his finger at every person in the mess hall. "Are you afraid of them?"

"No." Letztgold, in his anger, did not notice Me, River, or Boudica missing from their table. "And I am not afraid of you."

The Doctor ran towards the mess hall door. He fiddled with the lock on the door, but he was able to unlock it without needing Me to come out of hiding to sonic the lock. Letztgold followed the Doctor as the two ran out of the mess hall.

With the Doctor offering himself off as a distraction, River could stand up, watch, and wait until the Me broke the shackles off of the prisoners. When River knew Me was done, River set her vortex manipulator to the time she thought the prisoner was from and took them out of Untental Gaol. Sometimes she miscalculated, but she worked as fast as she could to get the prisoner to the right place and time. Then she sprayed the prisoner with mnemosine recall-wipe vapour so they would forget about Untental Gaol and Letztgold. Between Me and the sonic screwdriver and River and her vortex manipulator, it took minutes to place the prisoners back in their proper place in time and space. When they were done, Letztgold and the Doctor were still running around the gaol.

Me crawled out from under the table. She turned the sonic screwdriver off. "I guess I don't get to keep this."

"I mean, you could. The Doctor loses his screwdrivers all the time. But I don't think you're meant to."

Me gave the screwdriver to River. "My first time off Earth, actually having an adventure on another planet, and I have to forget it."

River took the screwdriver from Me. "I'm sorry, sweetie. On the other hand, you helped me out and you held your end of the deal. You did promise me my diary."

"I did."

"Do you know your way back to your cell?"

"I believe so."

"We can peek in the windows on the doors to make sure."

"Indeed."

Me and River left the mess hall and went back to the cells. Occasionally they had to stop and attempt to hide in plain sight because the Doctor was still being chased by Letztgold. Letztgold had his sights on the Doctor; his systems wanted to target him and only him.

Eventually Me and River arrived at Me's cell.

"Can you see the slit in the door?" River asked Me.

Me stood on her toes. She noticed her clothes. "This is my cell."

River used the Doctor's screwdriver to open Me's cell. Me went into the cell and pulled out River's diary from the cell's desk. "I believe this is yours."

"It is." River took the diary back from Me. She looked at her vortex manipulator. "I know where your street is. But what time do I need to get you to?"

Me told River the approximate date and time when Letztgold took her from the street. "I remember this flash of white light when I was taken from my street. We should come in at around that point."

River nodded. "But don't bump into yourself. It could cause a ripple between time and space."

"I'll be careful."

River adjusted her vortex manipulator to the time Me requested. The two left Untental Gaol.

 

River and Me arrived just after Letztgold took Me off of her street. They both witnessed the flash Me described to River.

"I think I'm about to bump into myself," Me said.

"You're right," River said. River took Me's hand. They both ran into a residence near the flash as it was happening.

A resident from the street bowed to River and Me when they appeared in the residence. "Madame Mayor," the resident said. "And...I don't know your name, but weren't you..."

River pulled out her mnemosine recall-wipe vapour. "Certainly not." She sprayed the resident with the mnemosine recall-wipe vapour before running back on to the street with Me again. "This is where I leave you, Madame Mayor."

Me nodded.

"I know I was harsh on chastising you over Clara's death. You were right. It wasn't your fault, and you're right to not blame yourself. I let my frustration over not taking your Crown Jewels get the best of me. You may be stuck experiencing time linearly for the time being. But Clara's still out there somewhere. Hopefully your heart remembers this."

"Because I won't remember with the mnemosine recall-wipe vapour."

River nodded. "Even if I could allow you to remember you were kidnapped, you'd still forget or you'd make yourself forget. Clara's death hurt you that much. You had so much you wanted to do with her, and all of a sudden, she was gone in moments."

Me looked at River with a sad face, but she didn't say anything.

"I know it's a cliché to say this, and you should know this most of all, but time heals all wounds."

"I know."

"Even if you will yourself to forget. Usually those type of wounds fester, but you're not like other humans."

"And you're not like other humans. But you won't tell me why you're not like other humans."

"That's still a secret I have to keep, even from the likes of you. My enemies might use you to get to me if they found out. I don't want you tormented in my name. I'm sorry."

"You know I can handle torture."

"I've done a lot of bad things in my life. The last thing I want is your torment and maybe your death on my conscious. You're a good woman, Me, and I consider you a friend. I don't hurt my friends. Goodbye, sweetie. Maybe we'll meet again. Maybe you'll write nice things about me in your journals for once."

River kissed Me on her forehead. She sprayed Me with the mnemosine recall-wipe vapour before setting her vortex manipulator to go back to Untental Gaol.

 

The first thing Me saw after she was sprayed with the mnemosine recall-wipe vapour was her vision refocusing. She looked around and wondered why she was still standing on her street.

She remembered someone was coming into her street for refuge. She thought she'd already met that person, actually. She couldn't recall who that person was. The mnemosine recall-wipe vapour did its job. Everything Me had experienced with Letztgold and in Untental Gaol was gone from her memory.

There was someone else coming to Me's street for refuge right after River returned her to the street. The Judoon that policed the street stopped this person.

"Name, species, and case for asylum," one of the Judoon said.

"Snud, Keskan, the Time War."

Me walked up to Snud after the Judoon let him on the street. She was convinced Snud must've gotten on the street in a panic and was stopped by the Judoon. "I've heard about the Time War. I know that must have been harrowing for you to experience. I promise no one will find you here. I am Mayor Me. You may call me Madam Mayor. Let me find you a room."

 

Back at Untental Gaol, River found the Doctor. He was still succeeding in leading Letztgold in a chase around the gaol. River stood in front of him. The Doctor took her hand and the two of them ran for the mess hall.

After catching their breaths, the two of them surveyed the empty mess hall. River gave the Doctor his sonic screwdriver back.

"Is everyone back to their proper times?"

"Yes, sweetie."

"Did you find your diary, or do we have to find Letztgold and force him to reveal its hiding place?"

River pulled out her diary from her bag. "I found it."

"Where was it?"

"Cleopatra helped steal it from me."

The Doctor clapped. "Cleopatra! Good old Cleo. Didn't think she had it in her, a little devious side, but I knew she had a good heart. And speaking of the people we helped free, I hope the Mayor is alright."

River turned her back to the Doctor. She put on her hallucinogenic lipstick.

"Do you wonder who she is, River?"

"About the Mayor, sweetie, I don't think you want to remember her."

"Why don't I want to remember her? Letztgold says she's one of the most important people on Earth."

"You don't. The only woman you need in your life is right here with you right now." River kissed the Doctor. Not knowing what hit him, the hallucinogenic lipstick caused him to fall into a daze. River then sprayed mnemosine recall-wipe vapour in his face. The halluciogenic lipstick and the mnemosine recall-wipe vapour blurred the image of Me and her self-styled title to the Doctor in his mind.

After a few minutes, the Doctor blinked. "What was I talking about, River?"

"We were talking about Cleopatra. She helped me free everyone in this prison, remember? Well, she won't remember a thing, because I've wiped her memories of this dreadful place."

"Huh...Oh, that's right. Good old Cleopatra."

"I was thinking you could be Letztgold's bait and I could hold the tin can," River said, changing the subject.

"What do I do after you grab him?"

"Does he know you have your sonic screwdriver?"

"I don't think he does. That's the thing with these Talerweltan robots. Once you upset them, all they can think about is revenge on the creature that irked them. They don't know how to do anything else. It's how their masters programmed them."

"So zap the tin can with your screwdriver."

"I was going to say that. I'll be back, dear."

"Don't let me down. You know how a girl like me doesn't like to be let down."

The Doctor walked outside the mess hall, waiting for Letztgold to catch up to him. Once Letztgold noticed him, the Doctor ran inside the mess hall. Meanwhile, River hid to the left of the entrance.

When the Doctor spotted Letztgold, he jumped up and down. "Come and get me, Letztgold. Come and take command at the head of the table of your new empire."

Letztgold ran after the Doctor. He stopped when he noticed the empty mess hall. "Where are all my guests?"

"Magic, Letztgold. They all went home to Earth, to their proper place in time and space, where they belong. I'm a magician, Letztgold. I don't like to give away too many of my secrets."

River grabbed Letztgold.

"My assistant..."

"I know you're going with a magic theme, sweetie, but I'd prefer 'wife.'"

"My wife, River, sneaking up behind you to capture you? Magic."

"No. The both of you tricked me."

"I'd say it's the same thing, Letztgold." The Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver. "Like this is a magic trick."

"How did you hide that sonic screwdriver?"

"The truth? Inter-dimensional pockets, places you wouldn't have the imagination to loot first if you wanted to disarm all your prisoners so they wouldn't escape. Time to go to sleep, Letztgold." The Doctor turned Letztgold off. His red eyes dimmed. His body collapsed into River's arms. River grabbed the arm that Letztgold had his vortex manipulator on. She threw it to the ground and stomped on it until she knew the device was broken.

"I am the man!" the Doctor shouted.

"Oh, please. Cleopatra and I did all the work. But in all seriousness, sweetie, we can't leave Letztgold shut off like this. He knows secrets about both of us. He could threaten our very existence. If he cuts himself back on in this state, he's going to go back and kidnap us both before kidnapping every single person he kidnapped before."

"That's true."

"And there's no one on his planet that can teach the survivors on Talerwelt how to read and write. I don't like what he was trying to do, but he did have a noble cause to do it."

"That's also true."

The Doctor and River turned to each other at the same time. "I've got an idea," River said to the Doctor."

"Is it the same as your idea?"

"It probably is, but my idea is better."

"How is your idea better when we both have the same idea?"

"I probably came up with it first and the way I'm going to execute it will be much better than how you're going to execute it."

"Hey!"

"But we should execute it soon. Who knows if this can of bolts and wires is going to come back to life."

 

River and the Doctor took Letztgold to one of the chairs Letztgold had strapped his "guests" earlier. River strapped in Letztgold with the metal cuffs, in case Letztgold came back to life before River and the Doctor were done.

River ran to the warden's room where the video and computer set up was. She went to Letztgold's computer and deleted and erased every file and piece of intelligence on all of Letztgold's captives that was on it. She also erased Letztgold's search history to make sure Letztgold wouldn't get the idea to recapture the people he captured earlier. Finally she disabled all the security cameras.

River went back to the mess hall. "Going to need that screwdriver back, sweetie, if I'm going to have a camera set up to that computer in the warden's house."

The Doctor gave River the screwdriver.

"Be back in a bit." River kissed the Doctor on his cheek. The Doctor grinned.

River went to to one of the cells and opened it, taking out the desk and the chair. Using the desk and the chair, River took off one of the security cameras with the screwdriver. She went back to the warden's room and, with her knowledge of electronics and the screwdriver, she was able to make a makeshift camera for Letztgold's computer. Satisfied that her setup was working and functional, and that Letztgold wouldn't trigger something that would cause him to recall the forty-one people he was bragging about earlier, River went back to the mess hall.

River gave the Doctor back his screwdriver. The Doctor aimed his sonic screwdriver at Letztgold, circling Letztgold's head. After a few seconds, Letztgold came back to life.

"I am a Golwatch robot of the planet Talerwelt," Letztgold said. "Serial number L3898. Code named Letztgold. I have been manufactured for the instruction of others. Please program me with what I need to know so that I may instruct others."

The Doctor chuckled. "Hello! I'm the Doctor."

"Hello, Doctor."

The Doctor pointed to River. "This is my wife, River."

"Hello, River."

"Come with us. We have something to show you."

"Yes, Doctor."

The Doctor and River took Letztgold back to the warden's room. There, they connected him to the computer. They downloaded what Letztgold needed to know about Talerwelt—its history, how to farm, how to cook, and everything else the survivors of the Talerweltan Civil War needed to know.

River pointed out the camera on the computer. "Here's where you're going to teach people, Letztgold."

"How will I teach people with that? That is a camera. I was designed to teach in front of people."

"You will teach in front of people, Letztgold." River clicked on a program she downloaded to the warden's computer. "You see this? This is an application that will let you talk to people in real time. The Doctor and I are going to set up this program everywhere where there are survivors in Talerwelt. The people will flock to your broadcast as you're teaching them things."

"Will I be able to see them?"

"Certainly." River pointed at the televisions. "You'll be able to see them on these screens while you're talking to them in this camera."

"Is it set up?"

"Not yet, but we're going to do that right now. Be right back, sweetie." River grabbed the Doctor's hand. "Come on."

River and the Doctor walked out of the warden's house. Using her vortex manipulator, they returned to where she had parked the TARDIS, hidden from sight from the gaol. When they arrived at the TARDIS, the two walked inside and pulled up a 3D map of Talerwelt, its former cities glowing as its image spun on the monitor.

"Which half of Talerwelt do you want, dear?" the Doctor asked River. "Do you want the northern hemisphere or the southern hemisphere?"

"What's wrong with the eastern hemisphere and the western hemisphere?"

"You didn't let me finish. I was going to get to that."

"I'll take the north. You take the south."

"What was the point of me talking about the east and the west?"

"I'm a bit of a stickler for accuracy. You should've mentioned all four in one breath."

"You didn't let me finish."

"Oh, I've let you finish several times. I never once complained--"

The Doctor hushed River. "We have a robot we can't be disappointing, River. Let's go."

The Doctor and River went to the places where Talerwelt's survivors were still gathered. The Doctor used his TARDIS to get around while River used her vortex manipulator. While they were both travelling around Talerwelt, they connected computers and computer cameras in those cities to Letztgold's computer at the gaol. One by one, the poor were connected to Talerwelt. The survivors recoiled at the sight of a Golwatch on their computer screens. They remembered the Golwatch as a symbol of the former oppressive government that was in control of Talerwelt. River and the Doctor reassured the survivors that Letztgold was not going to treat them the way that the former King and his government treated them before.

When all the computers were set up all over Talerwelt, River returned to just outside the warden's house on the gaol. She sent the Doctor a message saying she was done with her part of the programming. The Doctor met her outside the warden's house, turning the brakes of the TARDIS back on to let Letztgold notice he was back. That and the Doctor wanted to annoy River with the noise of the TARDIS brakes.

The Doctor used his sonic screwdriver to turn on all the televisions inside the gaol. The televisions now had faces of the survivors of Talerwelt, those ready to take instruction from Letztgold.

"Letztgold, I present to you your new pupils," the Doctor said, a grin on his face, waving the sonic screwdriver, which was at rest, at the screens.

 

The Doctor and River left Untental Gaol after they had connected Letztgold to the rest of Talerwelt. But they returned to Talerwelt five years later to see how Letztgold was progressing in the Gaol. To their pleasant surprise, Untental Gaol was no longer a gaol. Instead, it was the Untental Teaching College. The new name of the former gaol was proudly displayed in a granite sign surrounded by bricks that matched the colour of the worn-down bricks of the college. The debris from the Talerweltan Civil War had been cleaned. Nearby was a farm with various animals roaming around in and out of a barn in a fenced area. Grass and flora were growing near the college. It was a small amount, nothing that compared to when the Gaol was still operational. But it was a start. There was a patch of dust outlined by stone near the college, but it was half-filled with various transport machines. The students that were now at the teaching college had made themselves a parking lot of sorts.

The Doctor had his head out of the TARDIS door. "Should we park in the parking lot, River?"

Before the Doctor could say anything, the TARDIS pushed the Doctor back, enough so it could close its doors and allow River to park in the teaching school's parking lot.

"Done, sweetie." River smiled.

River and the Doctor walked to the former warden's house. A gold plaque was to the right of the door, reading "L3898, LETZTGOLD GOLWATCH, PRESIDENT." The door on what was now the president's office was straightened up and painted a reddish colour. The Doctor knocked on the door and noticed the door wasn't coming apart by his touch.

Letztgold opened the door. "Hello, Doctor. Hello, River."

The Doctor and River said hello to Letztgold.

"You are both here to check on me."

"We are," River said.

"Please come in. You will be please to see what my students and I have done to what used to be a gaol that was maintained during a shameful part of Talerwelt's history."

Letztgold lead the Doctor and River inside his office. The computer and the monitors were still there and still running. There weren't any people in front of the remote cameras, however. "I still teach, Doctor. But right now I am taking a break. You caught me at an opportune time. Would you like to visit the campus?"

"Of course I'd like to visit the campus!" the Doctor exclaimed.

"Follow me."

The mouldy, dusty hallways were cleaned, scrubbed, and repainted. The halls felt lighter, brighter, and more pleasant to be in. The cameras that were monitoring Letztgold's captives when the halls were part of a gaol, save for the one River modified into a camera, were gone.

The mess hall became a cafeteria. There was activity as students talked and moved around the cafeteria with trays, food, plates, utensils, and beverages. The cells were turned into comfortable one-person dorms. The bathrooms were removed; the scent of rust and stale water no longer lingered where the cells once were. The brick slabs were removed and proper beds for humanoids were installed. The ominous doors with the slits on the sides were removed in favour of whole wooden doors. Some doors remained open. Others were closed. But the hall the cells formerly resided had activity in them. They felt alive, not like a living collection of trapped people for a naive jailer.

Buildings were added to the former gaol. A bathroom and shower was added directly to the building the cells were in. Another building, where classes were held, was also added. Letztgold, the Doctor and River ended their tour in an empty classroom in the new building.

"I taught some of the people how to teach," Letztgold said. "In turn, they decided to help me out and help others to teach. So they decided to come here and make Untental Gaol a school so that other people can be taught. We are starting small. We are focusing on education first. Then we shall focus on other things, like government."

"So you're not the president of Talerwelt?"

"No, River. I am the president of this teaching college, and only of this teaching college. We have modelled this teaching college on the American teaching schools of Earth's past. The teaching schools used to have presidents. So I am the president of this teaching college."

"Oh."

"We want to eventually establish a democracy. We have sworn off the kings who commissioned me and made our planet suffer in the past. And we want our planet to be peaceful, so it can rebuild and be what it once was before the war. Thank you, Doctor, for what you have done for my people and me. We promise our planet will someday get back to where it once was, but without the tyranny and violence."

"No, thank _you_ for being an awesome President of the Untental Teaching College." The Doctor turned to River. "Come alone, River. As long as we're here together, we may as well go on a date. You do have those tickets you said you had for that exhibition, don't you?"

River grinned at the Doctor. "I was waiting for you to say that."


	4. The Gala

Luna University was hosting a gala opening night to commemorate their exhibit on lost items found throughout the universe, including the Crown Jewels of England River recovered for the university. Because she successfully retrieved the Crown Jewels, River was given two tickets to the gala opening. "This opening night's a fancy event, sweetie," River reminded the Doctor as the two headed towards his closet in his TARDIS.

"Do you remember where your room is?"

"Down the hall, take a right three times, a left one time, and go down the hallway where the pool is."

"I didn't move your room to the pool."

"I moved it there, sweetie. You never know what ideas you might get when you pass by a pool."

The Doctor shook his head. "Oh, River."

River used her perfume to change from the clothes she was wearing in Luna University's archaeology department to a black dress with red high-heeled shoes. Her hair was tied in a ponytail behind her head. The Doctor put on a black and white tuxedo, complete with tails, and topped it off with a top hat. He took with him his sonic cane. Just in case he lost his sonic cane, he hid his sonic screwdriver in his pants. River saw the Doctor put his screwdriver in his pants. She grinned.

"No, River, I'm not hiding the screwdriver in my pants for you," the Doctor said.

"I wish you were." She wiggled her eyebrows. "Don't you think the cane is a bit much?"

The Doctor shook his head. "You never know when a Blowfish might show up in our side of the galaxy."

"How'd you get dressed so quickly?"

"Magic." River winked at the Doctor.

 

As soon as the Doctor and River arrived at the exhibit, River noticed two people she recognized standing in front of the items from the chest that also contained the Crown Jewels. One was Clara Oswald. The other was Me, her eyes revealing she was much, much older than everyone else in the gala. Clara was in a beige dress with black heels and Me was in a red dress and red heels. River made her way towards the two when the Doctor was sidetracked by a recovered painting from the planet Henshaw.

"I used to own the Crown Jewels of England, the ones that used to belong to John, King of England," Me said to Clara.

"Really? I always assumed Robin Hood took the Crown Jewels. I never got the chance to ask him. I didn't get a chance to ask him because I was busy at the time."

Me nodded. "Really. This was before I finally settled in London. I sailed to England and found myself in the middle of what would later be called the First Barons' War. I was in St Albans when I heard about John's campaign against the barons and how he had no knowledge of East Anglia. I also heard he was taking his Crown Jewels with him. So I tracked down his movements and followed him from St Albans to Cambridge, disguised as a man."

"I thought your first full stint as a man was at the Battle of Agincourt."

"It is. I dressed up as a man often to get what I needed to get from men. Most of them bought it, even if I didn't have to put on a male voice. But I wasn't trying to pass as a man all day. I pretended to be a man full-time at the Battle of Agincourt. That's the difference."

"Oh."

"I wasn't surprised when he found his way to the Wash and lost his Crown Jewels. I then stole them after the tide washed the chest he kept the Crown Jewels in off of his carriage."

"Were you strong enough to pull the Crown Jewels by yourself?"

Me looked at Clara, giving her a sly grin. "Am I not billions and billions of years old by now?"

Clara nodded. "Of course you'd be strong enough. How'd you lose them?"

"River Song."

Clara continued nodding. "If anyone can steal anything from you, it would be River Song."

"It's in my journals, but she kept trying to steal the Crown Jewels from me until she finally did. You can't say she's not persistent."

"I think I heard someone calling my name," River said as she reached Clara and Me. "Hello, sweeties. Do you two remember me?"

"You were inside our TARDIS once," Me said to River. "The diner in Utah?"

"That was your TARDIS!"

"I stayed inside the control room because the Doctor hadn't met me yet."

Clara shrugged. "The Doctor has a tendency to not notice me from time to time. It used to upset me, but now I'm used to it."

"The Doctor's mind is so busy. I'm not surprised that he didn't notice you in the diner. But I did." She winked at Clara. "I could never forget a face like Clara's. I never did thank you two for your services. We needed them in that point in our timelines."

"You're welcome. We're always available for friends of the Doctor." Clara pointed at River; she just remembered something. "Wait. There was this we got married on Valentine III while the Doctor was off on some little trip."

Me looked at Clara. "You didn't tell me you were married to River. I was married--"

"Don't tell me," River said. "I think those are both spoilers."

"It's water under the bridge now, Clara." Me grabbed Clara's hand. "I have you." She smiled at Clara.

"I'm glad you did find someone to love," River said.

"Someone who won't grow old and age, like me. Someone who won't die or disappear like everyone else I've ever known."

River froze. "The last time I met you, Clara, you were..."

"I died."

"I know," River said. "Me told me."

"But I've been taken out of my time stream. You can say I'm between heartbeats now. It's a long story. I mean, we could tell you the story, but we probably can't tell you right now." Clara pointed at the Doctor. "He's not the Doctor we knew when this happened. He was older than he is now. But you can check my pulse if you'd like."

"Neck or wrist?"

Clara shrugged. "Whatever you'd like."

"I'll take the neck."

Clara stretched out her neck so River could feel Clara's pulse. River felt for a pulse on Clara's neck. It was true. Clara had no heartbeat. And even though Clara could communicate with River and Me, she wasn't breathing. River knew immediately Clara wasn't in a physical body any more. "No wonder why the Doctor didn't notice you. Then again, he didn't realize who I was either when we first met. I think. It's complicated."

"We know," Clara and Me said at the same time.

River pointed to Me's chest. "Your Quantum Shade tattoo's gone."

"I was getting to that. I broke my deal with the Quantum Shade after everyone on my street was gone. Some of them went home. Some of them died. I had a title I wanted to live up to. I was a mayor. When I had no one to govern as a mayor, I gave that title up. And I gave up the Quantum Shade because I didn't need to punish anyone for violating any rules. I was also still devastated by Clara's death."

"And how did you get off Earth, Me?"

"I kept my end of the deal with the Time Lords. In return, they allowed me to live on Gallifrey, after everyone on my street was back on their home planets or died. This was after the Daleks invaded London, I think. I took the deal because I thought I'd be able to see the universe with a Time Lord, since the Doctor, the Master, and countless other Time Lords had done it before. And if not, maybe I could travel on my own across the galaxy. I didn't realize the Time Lords mostly stayed on Gallifrey. I had pleasant conversations with Romana and Leela and even Ace, but I wanted to see the galaxy, not be trapped on another planet. I tried stealing a TARDIS in times of peace, but most of the time I was caught by Time Lord military forces. There was nothing I could do except wander around on Gallifrey. When I grew tired of that, I found my way into Gallifrey's Cloisters. I was hoping the Cloister Wraiths would kill me down there. Instead, the Wraiths let me live. They even taught me to make a bubble of reality so I could watch the stars die as time was ending. I had the feeling they were trying to tell me something when they told me how to make that bubble of reality. They were right. I got my chance to see the universe when the Doctor stole another TARDIS."

"That you and Clara stole."

"That's another long story," Clara said. "It's tied into me being taken out of my time stream." She nodded. "Trust me."

"I'm very relieved those piercings are just piercings," River said to Me. "For a moment I thought those piercings were something like your Quantum Shade, but it's nice to confirm they're just piercings."

Me laughed. "I was bored with how my face appeared for centuries. I wanted to adorn it with a few things. It had nothing to do with the Quantum Shade or the Time Lords or anything like that. The fact that I had the piercings before the Doctor arrived on my street was a coincidence. Oh, River? While you're here and I'm sort of remembering this, we should talk about you stealing the Crown Jewels from me."

"You still remember the times I tried to steal the Crown Jewels for you." River sounded remorseful.

"River, my friend," Me said, "I forgive you. You were just doing what you needed to do to get my Crown Jewels, even if it was a dirty way to steal them from me. I know it frustrated you when you couldn't get my Crown Jewels when you wanted them, too. You took it out on me, but I'm not holding it against you. You stole them so you could go on a date with the Doctor. It's not the right thing to do and it's extreme for a date, but if I was in your position, I'd do the same thing to have a date with Clara."

“I was afraid you'd take out some sort of retribution on me."

Me shook her head. "No, River. I don't wish to seek retribution on you. When you're like me, you can't harbour a grudge for the rest of your life. And even if I could remember a grudge for years, I'd be miserable forever. Besides, I've finally gotten my wish."

"You're finally happy."

Me nodded and grinned. She looked at the Doctor, who was still flailing over that painting he gravitated towards earlier.

River smiled at Me. "If you both don't know this Doctor in your timelines, I'd advise you both to stay clear of him."

"We will," Me said.

"We're good at hiding," Clara said. "With the Doctor running around, we're used to it. You should come and find us some day," Clara said. "We'll have a stool open for you."

"A stool? I think you'd better have more than a stool when I find you two again."

Me raised her eyebrows. "We have lots of rooms in our TARDIS. There's more than enough room for you."

"That's much better."

"Goodbye, River," Clara said.

"Goodbye, old friend," Me said.

Clara took Me's hand. "You know, the Doctor's really excited about that painting," she said to Me.

"It's a shame he's neglecting his wife over it."

"I bet you know what I'm thinking."

Me nodded. "We should go and do it right...now."

"What are you two standing around for?" River gestured for Clara and Me to leave with her hands. "Go on, shoo!" She smiled.

Clara and Me intentionally ran into the Doctor. The Doctor fell forward a bit, but was able to miraculously keep his balance, in part thanks to his cane. By the time the Doctor tried to see who had run into him, Clara and Me disappeared into the rest of the gala crowd. "Hey!" The Doctor noticed River standing by herself near the Crown Jewels. He went over to her side. "River, who was that you were talking to?”

"They're colleagues of mine. But they had to run. Urgent business, other planets. It's very much like your life, in a way." River turned to the Crown Jewels. "These are the Crown Jewels of England that I found and donated to Luna University. Everything that was in John's chest with the Crown Jewels in it is there. There's John's crown, his sword, the two goblets that he packed in the chest, a plate, and all the gold coins inside. I made sure of it before it went on exhibition. Aren't they lovely?"

The Doctor nodded. "Right. Yes they are lovely. How much trouble did it take you to find those Crown Jewels, River?"

"A lot."

"You're hiding something from me."

"I think I might have to hide it from you forever. It's a very complicated spoiler. I do feel bad my quest for John's Crown Jewels did deter your plans on taking me on a date. After we're done looking at this exhibit, can you take me on one of those planets you wanted to take me to?"

"Which planet do you want me to take you?"

"Somewhere where I don't have to run around saving kidnapped people."

The Doctor clapped his hands and laughed. "River, have I got a place for you!"

"Wait. Is the planet you're taking me to Arda? Judging by how you said that, it sounds like Arda."

"Uh..."

"It's Arda, isn't it?"

"Yes. Yes it is, River."

"Oh, that's fine, sweetie. I've never been to Arda. I hope it's lovely."

"You bet it is lovely, River!" The Doctor clapped his hands again and started doing the drunken giraffe.

"Sweetie, be careful," River said. "You can't fix all this stuff if it breaks!"

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Cover Art for merryghoul's "A Tale of Four Thieves"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7921630) by [hollymarchosias](https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollymarchosias/pseuds/hollymarchosias)




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